Godammit, I’m Mad!

Another Saturday at Nordstrom, and look! It’s Faith, the Hot Nordstrom Girl! I was so happy to see her that I got the BFF to take some pictures.

Faith has an internship with a hot L.A. designer but for now, she is still at Nordstrom. You can’t see from this picture, but she was wearing the leopard print wedge clodhoppers by Jeffrey Campbell, which I correctly identified without being solicited to do so.

If I could wake up tomorrow and be twenty, I’d get a hairdo like Faith’s. If I did it now, my BFF was quick to point out, I’d just look like I had cancer.

Here, I’m wearing:  H&M jacket, Rag and Bone trousers, t-shirt from my t-shirt drawer, and tiger claw earring (ha ha for you, Shelly!)  If you want to gush about how awesome I look, please call me “Judy.” Thanks. xo

We moved on from Faith to the lingerie department, where my BFF hesitated to buy some racy stockings until I screamed  “MEN LOVE THESE!” which drew the attention of a grey-haired shopper nearby.

The BFF bought some other items, including a pair of knickers by Elle MacPherson, even though she couldn’t find the matching bra. If you knew my BFF, you’d know how unthinkable this is. She will never consider buying lingerie unless it’s a matching set. I was amazed. She explained that she could wear the knickers with a dress that didn’t require a bra underneath. Aha!

Personally, I don’t give a shit if my undergarments are a matching set. Black goes with everything; white is bad. Those are my only rules for lingerie. But I’m so nice that I spent at least half an hour online to track down the matching Elle MacPherson bra and here it is:

I may be an awful person, but I’m a really good friend.

When you’re unemployed and have no money, you go out to have lunch in department stores. If you use your charge card, it’s free.  Here I am at Nordstrom on Friday, trying on a pseudo-Chanel jacket by Trina Turk.

Seen up close, it’s really a lovely tweed fabric, with little specks of a million colors, including metallic gold threads. The only thing that stopped me from buying it (remember, it would be FREE if I charged it!) was the inescapable fact that I’d never wear it. I couldn’t even pretend that I’d wear it. Maybe if I bought the free matching skirt, I would wear it, but I never wear skirts.

The jacket is $356.00, but this picture doesn’t do it justice.

There’s nothing like the feeling of virtuousness you get from leaving a department store without buying a single thing. I felt like Mother Theresa. I had a heartwarming exchange with Faith, the Hot Nordstrom Girl. I also bonded briefly with a kooky lady who was interested in my handbag. Here, take a look.

I admired her pig, and told her that I had nearly bought that pig myself. She screamed “Samesies!” in delight. I asked my friend R to document these events because at this point, if you can’t document it, it’s not worth doing.

Since I’m always (i.e., never) asked, “Sister Wolf, you are so radiantly beautiful at your advanced age, what are your beauty secrets?” I will share the basics with you:

1. First, you adopt a cyber-daughter (annemarie) who will send you her red Paul Smith cords.
2. Make sure you NEVER leave home without your red lipstick. Ruby Woo by M.A.C. in this instance.
3. Don’t brush your hair and don’t cut it.
4. Eat plenty of sugar! Ice cream is the most important food group, followed by cookies.
5. Stress is KEY. Try to make sure you’re under constant stress.
6. Avoid exercise as much as possible
7. Finally, sleep deprivation: Stay up until 3 in the morning, just fucking around for no reason.

There you have it! Whatever anyone else tells you to do, DON’T. It’s too much trouble.

While we’re thinking about beauty, check out this project by photographer Zed Nelson, called “Love Me,” to shake up your ideas about the pursuit of attractiveness and its consequences.

When I go to Nordstrom, it’s always an adventure. The charging and taking back alone is more gratifying that I can tell you. This time, I was dazzled by a Nordstrom employee with a fantastic hairstyle. Her name is Faith and she is a design school graduate. I love her hair and she turned out to be a really great girl.

Faith has just started a blog, so we talked about blogging. She told me that she likes Sea of Shoes and that furthermore, Sea of Shoes and Mom of Shoes had come into the store recently. I shrieked and jumped up and down like an excited 5 year old, alerting Faith that she was dealing with a psychopath. She divulged that Sea was kind of shy, and was wearing Margiela.

Is it a Small World After All, or are we all connected by shoes?

Since it was the day after my birthday and I was still feeling entitled, I bought a pair of “cropped jeans” because they were on sale AND chartreuse. Look:

The tag says “citron” but I’m sticking with chartreuse. If you think they’re unflattering on the model, you should see them on me. Terrible! And yet.

I have a vague irrational idea that these pants could somehow look good. What could I rock with them to be seriously killing it? Besides the fierce heels. How about black boots and black jacket? Or, a red cashmere sweater? Red + chartreuse is one of my favorite combinations! It’s aggressive, it’s jarring, it says “Too bad for you!”

Ideas? Or should I just take them back and look for Faith?

I went to Nordstrom with my sister and stopped in my tracks at the Estee Lauder display. A new lipstick promised to say on for 12 hours. I asked the nice Black sales lady to show me the reddest red in the new formula. She admired the red I was already wearing. I told her it was Ruby Woo, one of my all-time favorites. I added, “I think every woman should wear red lipstick!” She nodded sagely and said with great conviction: “Mens like the red.”

So true.

I didn’t like the lipstick but I got the Double-Wear lip Pencil with “12 hour staying power” after testing it on my wrist and finding it impossible to remove.

Here is a beautiful 3-pack Nail Lacquer Set called “Celebrate” by the Lippman Collection.  I’m wearing Superstar (“show-stopping copper-flecked fudge glitter”). You also get a sheer black with a subtle sparkle, and a Ruby Slipper color called Ruby Red Slippers.

It’s only available at Nordstrom for $35, but if you use your Nordstrom charge card like I did, then it’s free.

Here I am, modeling the fussy white shirt after a hard day limping around Nordstorm at The Grove. As you can see, it doesn’t really work. But I have to say that posing on my commode was a stroke of genius on my part. The lighting in my hallway is very flattering, and the commode will horrify that Crazy Muffin Woman if she dares to come poking around. I think it was the commode experience that somehow provoked her into dissing me. Take that, Crazy!

In other news, I managed to get two sales assistants at the M.A.C. counter into a mini-argument. I praised a beautiful young man on his spectacular eyebrows, and he referred me to a M.A.C. eyebrow pencil in “Stud.”  But another M.A.C person objected, and insisted that “Strut” would be a better choice for me.  It was a tense situation. The Strut woman made up my eyebrows, one in each color.  People stopped and stared at me. I stared back at them and said pleasantly “Which eyebrow makes me look less like an old witch?” They were all struck dumb by this question.

I ended up buying Strut, but of course It was a mistake, like the white shirt. I should have gone with Stud.