Posts Tagged ‘online shopping’

Hate Your Legs?

Monday, April 7th, 2014

skinny legs

I’m not happy with mine either, and here’s why: The model above.

Just look at how skinny those legs are! Hmph, bad photoshopping, right? That’s what I told myself. But then, I accidentally started a video, and the skinny legs marched toward me confidently, even though their owner looks like a polio victim.

Now, we all know that our culture has screwed up our body image, and we know intellectually that legs this skinny aren’t desirable (or for most of us, attainable.) But after seeing enough images of bone-thin models, a normal-sized woman looks hefty.  Hefty and meaty.  Hefty and meaty and unworthy.

How are we supposed to even know what a normal leg looks like?  Personally, I only wear shorts at home, no matter how hot it gets. I may have run out in shorts to walk the dog, but in general, I don’t want to impose my legs on innocent bystanders. I wear a size 4, which is fairly small, but no way will I get my legs out and submit them to judgement. And I’m not thrilled about my lack of a waist.

No matter how many magazines print sanctimonious, preachy articles about eating disorders and the pressure to be unnaturally thin,  these images aren’t going anywhere. A couple of beautiful plump models will appear every so often, as if to prove there’s no bias in the fashion industry. But the ideal of a size-nothing body remains entrenched.

If you have a daughter, your work is cut out for you. Not only do you have all those pop singers writhing around like desperate prostitutes, you still have these fucking legs to deal with.

Leather Cobain Pants

Sunday, March 16th, 2014

Leather Cobain Pants

“Leather RtA skinny pants channel the grunge styling with a zip-off shirt panel around the waist trimmed with denim-style patch pockets.”

Leather Cobain Pants front

$1,232.00 at Shopbop.com

Here we are now, entertain us!

 

Christmas Gifts: Part I

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013

Finger-gloves

 

“The Bless Finger Gloves are a conceptual take on a classic pair of winter gloves. Individual sleeves for each finger keep your digits toasty”

Are these Finger Gloves cute or what? Imagine the fun of your partner waiting around as you carefully put on ten little woolen condoms, then starting all over again because you mistook the thumb for the pinky finger!  The silver thingies will snag your silk evening dress or fishnet stockings….perfection.  Just $390.

By the same brand, Bless, here is an eye-catching hair brush:

hair hairbrush

 

 ”It’s both unnerving and funny at once, leaving one with mixed feelings of curiosity and intrigue. “

(They forgot rage and horror.) I am guessing that this is a ‘conceptual take’ as well. The word ‘conceptual’ is probably something to think about when shopping for Christmas gifts. An empty box would be a conceptual take on a classic present, and plus it would be free, as opposed to this hair-brush, which is $350.

I actually love Creatures of Comfort, the shop where I found these items, and they have a wide variety of fashion-forward clothes, leaning toward the minimalist mental patient look. I even have a pair of boots I bought there, sitting quietly in their box, wondering if they will ever see the light of day.

The Apotheosis of Hideous Fur Coats

Thursday, October 24th, 2013

pucci coat

 

Emilio Pucci – Printed calf hair, goat and fox coat, $21,750

Editor’s Notes:

“This printed calf hair coat was one of the final looks of Emilio Pucci’s fall runway. Trimmed with fox and goat hair, this coverup is accented with strips of leather and suede. Accentuate the stud embellishments with silver jewelry.”

Eeoooow! Look how they can’t even bring themselves to call it a “coat.” It’s a “coverup.” How could this thing be more horrible?  I really think Pucci has nailed it.

~

On the other hand, I actually like this one:

Robert Cavalli coat

 

Roberto Cavalli – dyed fox and raccoon coat, $17,860

I could never wear a garment made from dead things that might be in my back yard; raccoon fur might as well be possum or rat as far as I’m concerned.

But at least it’s fluffy and colorful, evoking groupies and hookers and fun-loving Eurotrash.

What do you think? Hate them both? Hate me? Weigh in.

Your Go-to Boots for Fall

Tuesday, August 27th, 2013

Philip Lim peeptoe

These boots by Philip Lim are my first choice.  Not only do they look like a boot giving birth to another boot (or a parasitic twin) but they have an open-toe, convenient for testing the weather.

Philip Lim issa

Plus, they sag nicely in the back.  $850.00

Fendi bootie

These Fendi booties are obviously a no-brainer. Versatile, practical, what’s not to like? $1,700.00

Christian Louboutin ankle boot

 

Finally, I know these are the tiniest bit flashy, but these Christian Louboutin booties are so fierce, right? You could easily be mistaken for a real biker or punk, and how cool is that?  $1,995.000

Shopping Intervention

Wednesday, July 10th, 2013

Stop me

 

Who can stop me from buying this leather jacket?  I have at least five leather jackets but not this one.

Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

I’m skipping Step One.

Shoe Choices

Thursday, June 13th, 2013

fuck shoes 59 95

Who wouldn’t want these expressive shoes?I love them. Only $59.95 and appropriate for every occasion.

Dissolving 899 95

These shoes, on the other hand, are crap. Worse than crap. They are an insult to humanity. Priced at $899.95, they will only attract the top tier of fashion victims and Daphne Guinness acolytes. If you’re wondering what they look like on a foot, here:

dissolving large

 

If only we could see her try to walk!

Both styles from Solestruck.

Peplum Pants

Monday, January 21st, 2013

Finally! How did we live without peplums on our pants? Now all my pants look so drab and minimalist.

“A flounced peplum puts a ladylike touch on a pair of high-waisted alice + olivia pants, cut from figure-hugging mid-weight jersey. Exposed back zip.” $275

Wouldn’t they look great on a job interview, or a first date?

Toy Fantasy Man

Thursday, December 20th, 2012

Smile Makers are sex toys with a cutesy design and a “playful” concept: they are named after different male stereotypes, kind of like the Village People.

I don’t know much about sex toys and that’s the way I like it.  But I love internet generators. Smile Makers lets you design your fantasy man, and with only a limited set of options I still came up with a very nice facsimile of my personal dreamboat.  His name is Fernando, and he’s all mine. You can make your own here.

I’m disappointed in the choice of masculine archetypes, since I have no interest in tennis coaches or millionaires.  (I did have an adorable French boyfriend, back in the day, but he became hysterical when I got my period.) Where is the Poet, the Biker, the Revolutionary, the Pimp, the Grad Student?

Go make your own loverboy and let me know how it goes.

 

Gifts for Him: First in a Series

Thursday, November 15th, 2012

Set of two small cedar stumps infused with fresh, real Siskiyou cedar – it’s just like taking a hike in the rugged Siskiyou mountains of the northwest. Has scent notes of ginger, wool blankets, and deep forest.”

100% wildcrafted and organic ingredients.  $22.00

 

 

What man worthy of the title wouldn’t love a couple of stumps? They’re honest, wildcrafted, they say ”I’m no sissy, and I’m not afraid of splinters.”  Buy them at Need Supply.