Posts Tagged ‘online shopping’

Hideous Denim Is My Life

Wednesday, March 25th, 2015

Shredded Dad PantsWhen I see something this awful, I almost feel it was put online just for me. Who else would get a thrill from such unmitigated stupidity?

These jeans are called ‘Shredded Dad Pants,’ available from Opening Ceremony for $600. Try explaining why anyone would wear them, let alone pay six hundred bucks to own them. To get attention? To enjoy a private joke with yourself? To signal another wealthy trust-fund kid that you know where to shop?

I have no fucking idea. Whereas, this pair below has the clear appeal of its name – ‘Cobain Dundees Jeans.’

cobainjeansCall anything ‘Cobain’ and it’s a winner. Kurt is powerless to intervene.

These are only $136, and offer a nice comfy elastic waistband AND elastic cuffs.

Maybe the Shredded Dads for evening and the Cobains for everyday errands?

Bad Girl

Sunday, March 22nd, 2015

bad girl 1964

 

I had a close call the other day, when I came across an expensive and totally inappropriate fashion piece that ignited my fantasy of being an angry schoolgirl.

loser jacketLook at how bad ass this is! I pictured my self wearing it with a white tank top and black jeans.

loser jacket 2It even says ‘loser’ on the front! It’s so ME, I thought. It’s some kind of polyester and costs around $600, but I was THIS CLOSE to buying it.

Then I found a lookbook for the designer, showing sulky young girls wearing the jacket with a Goth Lolita flair, smoking cigarettes and clearly ditching school.

It suddenly occurred to me that I’m not an angry schoolgirl anymore, at least not on the outside.  No one wants to see grandma in her kooky jackets at this point. It was a highly unpleasant epiphany.

I’m still not over it. Yesterday, I waked into my husband’s home ‘office’ wearing a faded pair of Levi’s with a black wife beater and demanded, “DO I LOOK TWENTY-TWO?” He answered Yes, like a dutiful robot, but he may have been trying not to laugh. I don’t even know why I chose 22; it could be Gwyneth Paltrow‘s famous boast of a “butt like a 22 year old stripper.” That’s the kind of statement you can never forget. It’s part of why we all hate her.

beehive photobooth-girl

Sometimes I wonder about the function of fashion, even though I’ve read more than my share of long-winded essays on the subject. What are we really trying to express with the clothes we wear? Our coolness? Our amazing taste or ingenuity? Our credit card limit? Are we trying to project our inner selves or to create a false identity?

Normcore was a great trend, even though it was preposterously stupid. Normcore is like having a private joke with yourself: Haha, I look like a boring Nothing but I’m doing it on purpose, that’s how hip I am!

It’s so much better than the current trend of paying a trillion dollars to look like a bedraggled biker.

I just want to make peace between who I am inside with who I am outside. As if that could happen.

 

Hideous Footwear Alert

Monday, July 28th, 2014

hideous patti st laurent boots

Can you believe how ugly these are?

hideous patti st laurent boots 2I really am almost speechless.

It would be like shoving your feet into dead animal carcasses and expecting everyone to admire you for it.

Why the silver studded ‘embellishment?’ Is it supposed to represent the dead animal’s collar?

Saint Laurent Patti ankle boots, $1,995.00.  (If Patti Smith were dead, she could join Yves to roll around in his grave with him.)

Gucci Brings It

Saturday, July 12th, 2014

GUCCI Striped shearling and goat hair jacket

But why? Just tell me why!  Look, just two of these monstrosities left.

GUCCI one left

Shearling and goat hair, I can practically smell it.

I predict the era of Eurotrash and disco coming back in full force, as if to say “I’ll show you, normcore!” We’ll all need a safe place to hide if this jacket is an indication of the horror to come.

gucci 3

Jacket Quilted Shoulder Bag: No Fucking Way

Thursday, June 26th, 2014

hideous-moshino-bag
This handbag by Moschino makes me want to cry.

Why did god let this happen? I don’t even care about the $3,400 price. I wouldn’t buy it for fifty bucks.

hideous-moschino-bag 2

I really feel I deserve some kind of explanation.

Who can finish this sentence?

A bag that looks like a jacket is good because _____.

The Steinbeck Overalls

Saturday, May 31st, 2014

Steinbeck Overalls APC

“Overalls are back this season.” (I’m just quoting net-a-porter, personally I hate them except on toddlers.)

The Steinbeck overalls in chambray, by A.P.C., are ‘a breathable cotton and linen blend.’  $365

I know this is exactly what Steinbeck had in mind when he wrote The Grapes of Wrath


Hate Your Legs?

Monday, April 7th, 2014

skinny legs

I’m not happy with mine either, and here’s why: The model above.

Just look at how skinny those legs are! Hmph, bad photoshopping, right? That’s what I told myself. But then, I accidentally started a video, and the skinny legs marched toward me confidently, even though their owner looks like a polio victim.

Now, we all know that our culture has screwed up our body image, and we know intellectually that legs this skinny aren’t desirable (or for most of us, attainable.) But after seeing enough images of bone-thin models, a normal-sized woman looks hefty.  Hefty and meaty.  Hefty and meaty and unworthy.

How are we supposed to even know what a normal leg looks like?  Personally, I only wear shorts at home, no matter how hot it gets. I may have run out in shorts to walk the dog, but in general, I don’t want to impose my legs on innocent bystanders. I wear a size 4, which is fairly small, but no way will I get my legs out and submit them to judgement. And I’m not thrilled about my lack of a waist.

No matter how many magazines print sanctimonious, preachy articles about eating disorders and the pressure to be unnaturally thin,  these images aren’t going anywhere. A couple of beautiful plump models will appear every so often, as if to prove there’s no bias in the fashion industry. But the ideal of a size-nothing body remains entrenched.

If you have a daughter, your work is cut out for you. Not only do you have all those pop singers writhing around like desperate prostitutes, you still have these fucking legs to deal with.

Leather Cobain Pants

Sunday, March 16th, 2014

Leather Cobain Pants

“Leather RtA skinny pants channel the grunge styling with a zip-off shirt panel around the waist trimmed with denim-style patch pockets.”

Leather Cobain Pants front

$1,232.00 at Shopbop.com

Here we are now, entertain us!

 

Christmas Gifts: Part I

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013

Finger-gloves

 

“The Bless Finger Gloves are a conceptual take on a classic pair of winter gloves. Individual sleeves for each finger keep your digits toasty”

Are these Finger Gloves cute or what? Imagine the fun of your partner waiting around as you carefully put on ten little woolen condoms, then starting all over again because you mistook the thumb for the pinky finger!  The silver thingies will snag your silk evening dress or fishnet stockings….perfection.  Just $390.

By the same brand, Bless, here is an eye-catching hair brush:

hair hairbrush

 

 “It’s both unnerving and funny at once, leaving one with mixed feelings of curiosity and intrigue. “

(They forgot rage and horror.) I am guessing that this is a ‘conceptual take’ as well. The word ‘conceptual’ is probably something to think about when shopping for Christmas gifts. An empty box would be a conceptual take on a classic present, and plus it would be free, as opposed to this hair-brush, which is $350.

I actually love Creatures of Comfort, the shop where I found these items, and they have a wide variety of fashion-forward clothes, leaning toward the minimalist mental patient look. I even have a pair of boots I bought there, sitting quietly in their box, wondering if they will ever see the light of day.

The Apotheosis of Hideous Fur Coats

Thursday, October 24th, 2013

pucci coat

 

Emilio Pucci – Printed calf hair, goat and fox coat, $21,750

Editor’s Notes:

“This printed calf hair coat was one of the final looks of Emilio Pucci’s fall runway. Trimmed with fox and goat hair, this coverup is accented with strips of leather and suede. Accentuate the stud embellishments with silver jewelry.”

Eeoooow! Look how they can’t even bring themselves to call it a “coat.” It’s a “coverup.” How could this thing be more horrible?  I really think Pucci has nailed it.

~

On the other hand, I actually like this one:

Robert Cavalli coat

 

Roberto Cavalli – dyed fox and raccoon coat, $17,860

I could never wear a garment made from dead things that might be in my back yard; raccoon fur might as well be possum or rat as far as I’m concerned.

But at least it’s fluffy and colorful, evoking groupies and hookers and fun-loving Eurotrash.

What do you think? Hate them both? Hate me? Weigh in.