Godammit, I’m Mad!

All my life I have thought of myself as an Irritable Organism, like an amoeba under a microscope, being poked. Now, finally, there’s a treatment for this!  Read the product description:

“This profoundly calming perfume has a fresh, soothing fragrance with powerful undertones. It lessens irritability and helps you become centered, easy going and relaxed. Smelling of apples, bitter herbs and fresh grass, Roman Chamomile is soothing and comforting, calming, balancing and deeply relaxing, with a gentle, restorative effect which banishes irritability. The sunny Bergamot smells fresh with floral, lemon notes. It is reviving, soothing and balancing, cheering and heart warming and gently relieves irritation and anger. Rose is passionate and deeply rose fragranced, it banishes the blues and warms the heart. Patchouli is soothing, helping stabilize the mind; it has an earthy sensual nature that grounds those who get lost in too many circular thoughts, and gently helps irritation float away.”   (my italics)

OH MY GOD! At $65, can I afford not to get it? I feel soothed just thinking about it, but also kind of anxious. What if it’s sold out?  Do I need expedited delivery? Will I go crazy before I can get my hands on it?

I’m going to order it. I’ll keep you posted. You’ll probably know if it works or not. In fact, if it works, you won’t be hearing from me. Once I feel stable and centered, I won’t need to write.

I like the sound of this product much better than Doxepin, the drug my GP suggested when she noticed my war-torn legs. Doxepin is an old fashioned tricyclic antidepressant with the usual array of side effects.  I’m reluctant to take more meds, but I was intrigued by the following revelation:

“[Doxepin] is particularly useful in treating depression symptoms, which include anxiety, tension, trouble sleeping, guilt, fear, and lack of energy.”

That’s right, you saw it with your own eyes. Guilt and  fear. Imagine a life free of guilt and fear. Pretty fucking tempting, right? All they need to work on now is loneliness, apathy, bitterness, greed and insecurity.

The PERFECT monkey fur jacket.  Now all we need is a _________.

(farfetch.com, $2,195.00)

A company called SRANGEBEAUTIFUL has come up with some sets of nail polish designed to appeal to the Proustian-minded among us.

“….a range of 10 diaphanous veils of wildly haunting colors with inspiration ranging from the vampiric gradations of a healing bruise; the moody rusts of menstrual blood; sooty, phantasmal India ink; the profile of a gray blue Heron scooping fish against a background of gooey river runoff and the apocalyptic color palette of Medieval Flemish paintings. Visceral and private, each shade cloaks the finger in an aqueous film of color for an effect that is strange, beautiful, and impossible to forget.”

Hahahahaha! Isn’t that fantastic???? Other sets are avilable, each absurdly pretentious.

I like how this set includes the color “Menstrual Last Day.” Hopefully they have “First Day of Menstruation” in one of the other sets.

I love colors and the names for colors. I loved my box of crayola crayons as much for the names as the actual colors. When Max was little, we deferred to his acute appreciation of color by showing him something of indeterminate hue and asking him, “What do you call this color, Max?” He would take a moment to consider and say something like, “I call it tan.”

In the spirit of STRANGEBEAUTIFUL, I want to invent my own set of nail polish colors:

Cubism
Gruyere
Still Spotting
Hep C
Wittgenstein
Virgin Birth
Mishima Cultist Coral
Clogged Drain
Hypothermia Blue

Have a look at the nail polish here.  $85 per set.

And contribute your own colors if you are so inclined!

Shit.

I can’t even remember the last time I found a nice piece of Penis Jewelry! (It was April 2009) But look at this wonderful pin!

It can also be ordered as a pair of earrings in sterling silver or bronze. God, do I want them.

“Each piece is a work of art and no two are exactly alike.”

Of course! We would expect nothing more, or less, from a penis.

Saga Sig is a versatile photographer from Iceland with a cool blog here.  Her work is featured on an online shopping site called Machine-A that is a really awesome, trippy experience.  Go there right now!  It will make your day.

I LOVE the text at Stylebop.com, a high-end shopping site based in Germany.  Maybe it’s the person who does the English translation, or maybe it’s silly in German too.  There is always something to delight. For example:

“no worries, this black leather top looks luxurious, expensive and noble and by no means cheap or slutty”

At $965, I should hope not!

How do you like this draped tartan dress by McQ McQueen? If I could get away with it, I’d buy it immediately from my-wardrobe and never wear it.

Don’t argue with me about this cool collaboration between Anglomania and Lee Jeans. Look at that coppery coating on the light blue denim! It is exactly what I didn’t know I wanted but now I do. I want these jeans badly.

Imagine the insults I’d get from those commenters who think I’m too old, too anorexic, too hateful and too bitter! If I had $265 to blow on more jeans, this pair would be on its way right now. And I’d fucking rock them as well as just wear them.

I love the online Levi’s store in Japan! There are all kinds of weird styles you won’t see anywhere else, plus the translations are so rewarding.

I actually like these overall things, but after the shit I got for liking the Gaultier-Levi’s collaboration, I’m certainly not going to admit it!

Oooooh, I love these boots, because I love boots and because theyr’e “nude” which is So Essential this season.

But they also come in black suede with gold embossed stuff.

I want these boots. They look like I MIGHT be able to walk in them, too. But I can’t have them because of the no money thing. I can’t buy either pair. Which pair should I not buy more? The nude or the gold?