Godammit, I’m Mad!

I know it’s not just me, because I went to a dinner where everyone was shouting across the table about Sarah Palin. I am now feeling resentful toward CBS, which keeps dribbling out more pieces of Katie Couric’s interview with that fucking moron. Can’t we just get it over with?! It’s starting to feel like an ongoing root canal of a great big molar.

Try reading Mrs. P’s answer when Katie Couric asked her if she disagreed with any Supreme Court decisions besides Roe vs Wade:

“Well, I could think of, of any again, that could be best dealt with on a more local level. Maybe I would take issue with. But you know, as mayor, and then as governor and even as a vice president, if I’m so privileged to serve, wouldn’t be in a position of changing those things but in supporting the law of the land as it reads today.”

How could Katie manage to contain herself?!  This sort of gibberish has inspired a Palinism Generator (thanks,  Nick, for finding it!)  My webmaster was nice enough to modify it slightly and here is our new version.

But it doesn’t stop there.  Here’s what Palin said in an interview with talk-show host Hugh Hewitt:

“It’s time that normal Joe Six-pack American is finally represented in the position of vice presidency.” [No, it isn't! ] “I know what Americans are going through. Todd and I, heck, we’re going through that right now even as we speak, which may put me again kind of on the outs of those Washington elite who don’t like the idea of just an everyday, working-class American running for such an office.”

Can’t you just hear that inexplicably Fargo-esque accent and diction??

She ends up revealing that the First Dude lost $20,000 from his 401(k) retirement account last week.  Wow, how the hell do you get to lose that much if you’re just, you know, Joe Six-Pack??

Here’s how: Regular ol’ Mrs. P is worth $1.2 million! How does she manage to look so trashy with that kind of money?!  Please, god, make that question come up in the debate!

At the time, I could hear him make some kind of sound, but I thought Grandpa was just hissing when Obama called him out for not knowing who the president of Spain is.

But ha ha, the old maverick actually sneered and said “Horseshit!” On the one hand, old men should be allowed to curse once in awhile, but on the other hand, we can’t have a crazy old ticking time-bomb in charge of the Free World! When he’s not busy calling Cindy a cunt, Grandpa’s always causing some kind of drama, isn’t he?

On the Church Lady front, Matt Taibbi gives a trenchant analysis of her, here.  Describing Mrs. Palin’s speech at the RNC, he says: “It was like watching Gidget address the Reichstag.” He is one furious, eloquent Palin Hater, and a tough act to follow, so I won’t even try.

However! Grandpa’s team is said to be predicting a big October wedding for Bristol and Levi, who are now POWs just like Grandpa was. The wedding will provide more drama and distraction, while the economy sinks like the fucking Titanic!

This could mean good news for the otherwise doomed Track Palin (see Mark’s predictions in the previous post.) But the horror……and with Putin watching the whole thing from up in the sky!

PAP Smear will convene on Monday night, if Bex can wait that long.

Tomorrow, I’m planning an all new Weekend Festival of Hate.

Last night, I was summoned by George W (described by a talking head on CNN as a ‘high-functioning moron’ in a rare moment of candor) and Grandpa to meet with Sarah Palin in her home-state, Alaska. She had fled there after suffering a nervous breakdown on national TV, due to a ruthless interrogation by Katie “Mengele” Couric. Even Grandpa himself couldn’t have stood up to this kind of merciless torture.

Sarah looked freshly tanned, but a little shaky. She led me outside to her backyard and pointed out Russia. Sure enough, I could see Putin in Alaska’s airspace! What the hell was he doing? Sarah started running around in little circles. It wasn’t panic; it was more like she was dribbling an imaginary basketball.

I helped Todd and Levi carry her to her bed, where we managed to sedate her by reading the bible and injecting some thorazine into her one remaining functional vein. Everyone wandered outside to watch Putin up in the sky. Little Trig tried to wave. Or maybe Piper was just flipping him around. Bristol’s water broke, but her dad advised her to ignore it until after the election.

When I arrived home, exhausted but proud to have been of service, I received this email from Sarah, who has managed to open a new Yahoo account with only a little help from Piper. I don’t think Mrs. P would mind if I share her letter with the good citizens of our exceptional democracy.

Dear Sister Wolf,

Our visit was so cool and awesome. I know you and John McCain agree that I can see Russia and that such as. The people in Russia who share our border and who fly around dropping the things and we must be prepared for the terrorists over there and not here on our own democratic soil as I have said as Governor many, many times. A pitbull is now overhead in the sky but haha I’m a hockey mom so I know what to do.

The First Dude is out with Bristol somewhere, and I know they are praying for John McCain to save this Fannie Mac type economy that the taxpayers must not blink! Not at all Charlie, no blinking, none. Nada.

John McCain is the answer to this country’s change, as I have said to the people, thanks but no thanks. That was when they asked me to take down the beehive. Over my dead body will I cave in to liberal elitists on the hair issue. No blinking on that one.  Now McCain is hinting that I could best help this great exceptional country by taking a trip on an ice floe.  I will pray on it and then decide what God wants from me.  I can’t second guess Israel and neither can John McCain or that fucking bitch Katie Couric, excuse my French.

Again, I did not blink nor will I second guess Israel, or second guess what Israel may or may not or may yet want to do. Nor should we second guess Israel.

<3 Sarah

Wouldn’t you know, Grandpa wants to cancel the debate scheduled for Friday night!  He needs to go to Washington to pretend he’s a leader.

NO, GRANDPA! It’s not time for your nap! You can’t back out of the debate just because the economy is bad. What the fuck does he take us for? Are we idiots?!  Are we in Inglewood?! Grandpa is also talking about postponing the vice-presidential debate, according to CNN.

These people are desperate, and they’re hoping to somehow steal this election just like George W did. I’m at the point where nothing seems too bizarre or evil, including the President threatening that the whole world will end unless congress passes his $700 billion deal.

Fuck these crazy bastards. Go here and watch the tape of Mrs. P getting blessed by a Witch Doctor. Be afraid. Then, go here and you may decide, as I have, that Tigger is poor Bristol’s baby, not Mrs. P’s. There is more evidence than any sentient being can possibly reject as ‘just rumors.’

*UPDATE:  And look! I got my images to upload.  No one can mess with me, godammit,  not even wordpress.

That horrible Palin woman is finally unraveling before our eyes, and I can only think it’s the brave members of PAP Smear who are behind this holy miracle!

Today, Tanning-gate (the news that Mrs. P installed a tanning bed in the governor’s mansion) spread like wildfire across cyberspace.  Is this the famously frugal governor who tried to sell a plane on eBay? Or is it the nutty behavior of an ex-beauty queen who puts her looks before cancer? I LOVE IT.

I also love how her claim that Alaska produces 20% of the country’s energy has been debunked: that figure would actually be 3%.

Troopergate: Now she refuses to speak to investigators because she says the whole investigation is “tainted.” Of course it’s tainted, you lying moron! It’s tainted by your own deceitful machinations.

While all this wonderful shit is hitting the fan, I am secretly a little in awe of Mrs. P. Earlier this evening, I decided to be Sarah Palin, and it was much harder than I expected. Both of my sons were hanging out, burning or ripping CD’s, but neither of them wanted to stop for a moment to take a photo for me. It took a lot of whining on my part, a phone-call to my husband to allow the use of his camera, complaints from one son while the other started lecturing that no one walks the dog enough.

Giving up on the photo, I started cooking dinner. Somehow, the cross-complaining and phone-calling got me so anxious that I dropped a steak on the floor while trying to flip it over. I screamed and washed it off before returning it to the frying pan.  The sons walked the dog together and ate the steaks, but I was through trying to be Sarah Palin.

I have no idea how this bitch manages a household of four children and one grandchild, a job, rifles and hunting knives, a tanning bed and who know how much else.  Oh god, I forgot about going to church. This bitch is a damn efficient multitasker, let us give her that.

But even as we watch the lies come to light, the stupidity on display as she refuses to speak to members of the press, we must remain vigilant, PAP Smear members! It will be a wild ride of swiftboating as election day looms closer. We need to continue to cause trouble for Palin, no matter how golden her tan.

Has anyone got anything to report? Someone will take the minutes, maybe Bex or Najda? Okay good. We are very very lucky to have Imelda Matt on board, and I don’t need to tell you about his work with a taser. Annemarie, can you create an important position for Imelda? She has the experience we need, and she MAY even be able to see Russia or some other big land mass from her bedroom window!