Godammit, I’m Mad!

Kilian Hennessy, heir to the Hennessy cognac family, is a perfumer whose fragrances come in swanky black packaging. He looks kind of  faux-decadent, in a good way. I would totally go shopping with him, at the very least. Here is Hint Magazine’s description of his newest perfume, called “Prelude to Love: Invitation.”

Prelude to Love: Invitation ($225 for 50 ml, $2,500 for a liter barrel) keeps lockstep with its brethren in its ridiculous name and orgiastic theme, but it’s instantly forgivable once we smell the contents. Inspired by a Rimbaud poem, it’s flavored like a leaf-flavored pastille pierced with lemon pepper, an off-limits candy greenness reminiscent of when you start to feel naughty down there. At Bergdorf Goodman.

Hahahaha! Check out his other “quietly lewd” fragrances here.

I was rudely awakened to the news of Juicy Couture’s new men’s fragrance ‘Dirty English’ by the envelope that arrived with my Nordstrom bill. I was struck by the stupid face in the ad, which seems based on an Ashton Kutcher prototype.

Some research brought me this boast by one of the two Juicy billionairesses: “Any self-respecting bad boy will want to wear it.” Is “self-respecting bad boy” an oxymoron? Or is the Juicy customer a moron? Either way, the fragrance is supposed to be a medley of peppered mandarin, blue cypress, black leather, ebony wood, amber musk, etc etc.

The envelope smelled like a manly room-spray. Reviews agreed that Dirty English was a disappointment. The ad copy includes the injunction: “Live hard, live fast, live loud, live now.” Obviously, they don’t advise the customer to Die Young, because dead guys don’t wear fragrance.

I want my Bad Boys to smell like their own sweat mixed with my Flowerbomb perfume, as transferred from the back of my neck. They can also smell a little like rusty metal and patchouli, if they want to. They definitely shouldn’t smell like any crap from Juicy Couture, and they better not be wearing the trashy necklace that comes with the bottle.

I think someone should create a fragrance called “Pete Doherty”, which I think is the fantasy that Juicy had in mind. It could come with a little trilby hat! Hurry, let’s get this going before someone copies my idea!