Godammit, I’m Mad!

When I saw this picture today, showing Mackenzie Phillips‘ new face, I was so excited that I sent the link to my BFF.

Apparently, Mackenzie  spent $50,000 on the new face, for laser resurfacing, cosmetic dental work, botox, etc etc. Look how much younger her face looks! See how full and fresh it looks, compared to the other face, which is clearly thinner and droopier! I felt a deeper sense of urgency about injecting my face full of Restylane and Sculptra. Not now, of course, but as soon as I can somehow get my hands on a spare thousand dollars or two.

Imagine my horror to discover that the face on the left is the OLD face! The new one is on the right, with the darker hair.

What the fuck is going on here?!? Somebody owes that poor woman an apology and $50,000.

I wonder what she sees when she looks in the mirror. Is there any way that we can see our own faces objectively?

One of my nephews once concluded after seeing Faye  Dunaway on TV: “It’s better to let nature fuck your face up than to do it artificially.”  Amen. I only hope I can remember that if I ever get rich.

Mr. Palin responded to Obama’s speech last night with characteristic aplomb. I love her little head movements at around 1:28.  At around 5:03, we get “government takeover and mandation of healthcare.”

I also enjoyed the newly inflated lips!

P.S. The drinking word is disconnect.

If you missed the Golden Globes Awards, you didn’t miss much, but here are the highlights:

Nicole Kidman wanted to show off her nipples. Why, I have no idea. She appears to have lost her mind or her bathroom mirror. Remember when she dazzled us with her fashion choices at the Academy Awards? Maybe Tom Cruise was her stylist!

Monique gave a fabulous acceptance speech that made me want to be a big Black woman. She totally rules. Did you know she does stand up comedy for woman in prison? God bless Monique.

James Cameron was King of the World again, and gave a cliche-ridden speech that fooled no one. The man is a fucking cunt, and that’s that. I don’t know how Kathryn Bigelow keeps herself from killing him.

Colin Farrell was yumminess incarnate. Daniel Day Lewis looked good, too, and so did Robert Downey Jr. Jeff Bridges has morphed into Kris Kristofferson, and Somebody Reitman looked angry all night, except for when he won something.

Chloe Sevigny was punished for wearing a ridiculous see-through dress when someone stepped on her train and ripped it! What a moment! She managed to recover after a flash of rage, but it would have been classier if she’s ripped the rest of the dress before accepting her award.

What else? Jodie Foster looked so hot, you could hear the crowd gasp in surprise. Meryl Streep brought tears to everyone’s eyes when she talked about loss and gratitude. Jennifer Aniston nearly flashed her Female Area, and her nose seemed smaller than ever.

Jessica Lange displayed her tragic facelift, while Harrison Ford had trouble moving his face. Everyone wore conspicuous little ribbons signifying Support For Haiti, which were nicely set off by the emeralds and diamonds. Ricky Gervais was a saving grace, telling the audience: “Speaking of plastic surgery, I’ve had a penis reduction. Now I have just the one.”

Did I forget anything?

After suggestions that her cover photo on W magazine was photoshopped, Demi Moore has come forward to deny it. She has been very adamant that this is an un-retouched photo, even though her left hip is visibly out of line with her thigh.

Apparently, she has been blabbing about it on Twitter, where she and her husband never shut up for a minute.  She’s inisting that she’s “just thin.”

Remember a few weeks ago, when Demi said in an interview that she’ s never had plastic surgery?

Why, Demi, why? Is it a Kaballah thing to deny the obvious? Are you hiding the truth from poor Rumer just to torment her? Do you think we forgot about your boobs for god sake?

Demi Moore is the Ted Bundy of surgically enhanced celebrities.  She’s going to deny everything to the bitter end, even when there’s nothing left of her but a puddle of botox and a pile of hair extensions.

What is the point of Demi Moore, after all, except to represent an aging cougar with a young husband? If only she’d stayed with Bruce Willis, we would all be so much better off. Except for Bruce, of course.

God almighty, it just gets worse. I came across this tragic t-shirt at Ben Sherman (where I went after seeing some Ben Sherman trousers somewhere else, after spending what seemed like five hours of frenzied searching for the shoes I vowed not to buy.*)

Who actually started this military/marching band trend?  Was it Balmain, or was it Philip Lim? I see no end of it in the forseeable future. And I plan to make the most of it! I am going to savor every minute as the look makes its way to Forever 21 and Walmart.

Fashion trends seem more and more desperate. Just a few short years ago, I tried to sell an elaborately beaded Balmain suit on eBay, and I ended up getting $30 for it. I couldn’t understand why people weren’t dying to own it! It was fucking Balmain! But no one seemed aware of Balmain except for me and the old lady who manages the thrift-shop where I bought it.

Now that actress/disloyal label-whore Jennifer Connelly has dropped Balenciaga for Balmain, the whole thing has clearly jumped the shark. Don’t feel hurt, Balenciaga! Jennifer Connelly wasn’t even loyal to her own nose!**  Or to eating!

* Don’t worry, I didn’t buy the shoes.

** For more exciting celebrity plastic surgery, go here.