On my mental list of shit I wish I could buy, the most persistent craving is also the most inappropriate: leather shorts.

I can’t think of another fashion purchase that would be more inappropriate, except maybe a romper. (Sorry about the word “romper.”)

No one wants to see Grandma in leather shorts! Even though I’m not anyone’s grandma, I could be. And that alone makes it wrong. It doesn’t matter what kind of legs I have, it’s the mutton dressed as lamb thing. And yet, every time I see a nice pair of leather shorts, I get all excited and start clicking on sizes, as if I might actually buy them. The only person I can think of who should wear leather shorts is Queen Michelle. Otherwise, they are only suitable for prostitutes and Chloe Sevigny.

What is your current most inappropriate fashion craving? Don’t be shy: All confessions will result in immediate absolution!

God, what a bore! Where is Renee Zellweger, making that horrible face, when you need her?

All I wanted was for James Cameron not to win, so I shouldn’t complain. But this year’s show was one of the blandest ever. Luckily, my guests turned out to have various grievances against various nominees, so the awards were not totally devoid of drama.

We all know who won, so let’s get to how everyone looked:

Meryl Streep wore a white bed-sheet, J Lo wore a dresss made out of Styrofoam packing material, and Miley Cyrus looked like a low-end prostitute. Sarah Jessica Parker was the victim of a fake-tan accident and wore a dead animal on the  back of her head.

Sandra Bullock fucked up her look with a day-glow lipstick, and looked strangely enervated. George Clooney wore his gray hair in little bangs and refused to smile for the cameras. Cameron Diaz looked less disheveled than usual but you could sense her need for a steady boyfriend. The girl from “Precious” was absolutely enormous, but no one was allowed to mention it. On the other hand, James Cameron’s billionth wife, Suzy Amis, is clearly starving to death. Send a social worker to their house, please! Maybe he’s keeping her locked up in the basement and forgets to feed her!

Kathryn Bigalowe is 58 and looks fantastic, having escaped from James Cameron before it was too late. Collin Farrell looked yummier than ever; when I asked “Who here does not want Colin Farrell?” only my teenager raised his hand.

The most fashionable woman of the evening was Sandy Powell, who won her third Oscar for costume design and came across as hilariously arrogant. But her whole look was shockingly cool compared to the parade of uninspired evening gowns. Down to her deep green nail polish, she looked fabulous.

On a personal note, I drank my first bottle of beer in nearly 4o years, because it was flavored with strawberry. Perhaps now my dream of becoming an alcoholic can finally come true!

Here is the KEY LOOK for Fall, modeled by Shopbop’s new model, Rumer 2.0, featuring the all important shaggy fur jacket. Yes, this is the very same faux fur immortalized by Sea of Shoes and Her Mom in Vogue magazine! I’ll wait here while you race to order it from Intermix.

Okay, are you back? So, the aim for Fall is to look like a 70’s era hooker. Pretend you’re an extra in Taxi Driver. It’s all about trashy fierceness.  Be sure to throw in something sequined, “from super shiny to uber-destroyed.”

Torn, shredded skinnies topped with more torn crap:  “As you move into fall you will need to upgrade from your ripped, ravaged and shredded tee to the sweater version of this red hot trend. Kimberly Ovitz creates it here for you in a relatively heavy sweater knit. In black.”

Thanks, Kimberly! $795 at Intermix.

We’re almost done! Once you’ve got the fierce skinnies, studded boots, ripped l——s, military jacket, fake fur and layers of boyfriend t-shirts, PILE ON some twisted up chain necklaces with fun amulets like daggers, skulls, talons, and the kitchen sink. Here’s a good prototype, by Fallon, $145.

Now you’re ready to hit the streets, with or without your pimp. WAIT, did I forget to say leather?!? Sorry. Leather leather leather leather. Biker leather, asymetrical leather, studded leather, moto leather, leather leather.

No, but why do I always look like one?!

I was surprised to find this old photo on Facebook, posted by one of my younger sisters. Since it’s already up for people to make fun of me, let’s make fun of me here, where I can maintain a tiny bit of control.

This is a very former Sister Wolf, age 38, soon to become pregnant and give up the weightlifting.

What about that dress!!! Purchased at a thrift shop in Ventura for $1, and worth every penny. Don’t get excited though; I never wore it out of the house!

And the armpits! Jesus Christ! If only my armpits were still this luxurious! Now I only wish I’d flashed them more often.  Maybe I’ll see about getting extensions.

The saddest part, beyond the unbearable stupidness of the whole enterprise, is the worthless calves. I tried and tried, but No Calves, as Arnold would say. They’re the hardest muscle to build, and thus a badge of honor, or dishonor, in any serious gym.

The couch, the painting, the lamp, the shoes, all history, but at least I have this photo to remind me what a nutcase I once was.

Comments?

No, but I look like one, posing on the commode wearing my breathtaking birthday necklace from Queen Marie!

This photo says to me, “WWII-Era Italian Prostitute” and yet in reality Sister Wolf is a very contemporary woman with a necklace that spells CUNT. How much do I love this necklace? I think that’s obvious.

I have to go to San Francisco to go turn 55. While I’m Away From My Desk, feel free to leave your birthday wishes and/or insults.

Long Live Our Queen Marie!

Look at this new skirt at shopbop, by Thayer, available for only $253. It’s 100% polyester (so no hookers were killed in the process, I guess.) I love the description: “Destined to become a signature piece.” Ha! I wish I could write copy for shopbop, it would be a dream come true!

I don’t know who would wear Thayer’s Signature Piece, besides Lyndsay Lohan. Or her mom. But I think this four piece get-up for only $34 is a much better value. And it certainly could be someone’s Signature Piece.

Underpants can be exquisite, or they can be those other ones that you shove to the back of the drawer for when you have your period. If you’re reading this and you’re a man, Sorry, I forgot to warn you. Period Underpants are truly awful and really ought to be thrown away. Just wear black ones, okay?

Anyway, imagine my shock to see a beautiful pair of underpants by Kiki de Montparnasse that cost $450! No underpants could possibly be more fabulous but imagine paying that much money! Danielle Steele could afford them but she’s probably too busy in the shoe department. I need to know who buys them!

These underpants are also nice, but they aren’t available yet. They’re made by Wundervoll. You could wear them anywhere, right?

Now these underpants are either stupid or depressing, or perhaps both. They have a little battery pack that is operated by remote control. A saleswoman in a lingerie shop took the time to show them to me and my friend, evidently mistaking us for desperate housewives or amateur prostitutes. We didn’t buy them.