Godammit, I’m Mad!

Okay, it’s time to get serious. After reading a new interview with Sea here, and then having a look at her “other” blog, I see there is something going on. Upon deliberating, I think I have cracked the code.

Sea of Shoes is actually code for SOS! It is a cri de coeur from Jane,  begging the world to deliver her from her demons.

I hear you, Jane! In the interview, she is asked to describe herself in 3 words. She answers: “Dirty old man.” Oh my! Elsewhere, in response to the question, “Tell me something most people wouldn’t know about you,” she says, “I’m a big sicko.”

OKAY, I GET IT. You’re a dark soul with fetishes aplenty, or you’re a lesbian. This is why your latest entry at your “other” blog is a naked woman displaying her anus.  It explains the emphasis on tits and ass. Instead of dropping hints, it might be better to just integrate your dark, lesbitious side into your everyday life and to feel okay with it.

Jane doesn’t want your comments but you can leave them here instead. I will go first:

Dear Sea, Don’t be ashamed of who you are. Just be ashamed of buying all those shoes. Love, SW

Most recently, Sea was thrilled to acquire a garish coat that matched the dowdy skirt she had earlier obtained from a shop in Dallas. Now she can wear them together and look like a kooky bag lady from the 70s.

More important, in my opinion, is the price of her new brogues, pictured above. Barneys is nice enough to send me catalogues even though I never go there, and now in the latest catalog, uh-oh,  Sea’s shoes, priced at $795. No wonder she was so excited when they arrived!

Sea and Mom show no signs of slowing down this frenzy of spending. It’s not Sea’s fault, though. She is the Bristol to Mom’s Sarah. She hasn’t had a chance to learn anything about anything. If only Mom would let her watch TV! I don’t believe for a minute that Sea’s other blog is her own project. The nudity, the KKK, the horrible fish. It seems like the work of a demented pedophile.

Oh well. Sea doesn’t want to hear your comments, but you can leave them here anyway. I’ll go first:

Dear Sea, Why those Comme des Garcons saddle shoes for $795?? Remember you just got those Givenchy flats for $450! It’s good that you’re not worried about money but it’s also good to just “live.” (That’s the stuff people do when they’re not shopping or posing or tweeting.) I don’t think I’m ever going to get through to you but I’ll keep trying.  Maybe you should read Gravity’s Rainbow again. Bye for now, love, SW.

Catching up with Sea of Shoes after her whirlwind visit to New York, we now find her back in Texas, specifically, at an exclusive sale of Mom’s “vintage” wares at some shop in Dallas.

Sea and Mom spread the joy of hideous animal-themed costume jewelry, most if it sourced from eBay at a fraction of the price charged to their hapless groupies. Years from now, Texas woman will be wondering what came over them when they gaze upon their gigantic monkey and elephant pendants.

Jane stood around in her Anne D. shoes, perhaps daydreaming about Asian boys or Martin Margiela. Meanwhile, Mom has posted about her love of studded shoes, featuring at least $4,000 of  her carefully edited collection.

Would you like to leave a comment for Jane, who doesn’t care what you think? I will go first:

Dear Sea, I saw a video of an interview you gave in New York, and I realized that you are just an average looking girl who doesn’t seem to grasp the implications of anything at all. I see that Mom is the brains behind everything, and I hope one day you can move on to a ‘transitional object‘, like a blankie, before finally breaking free of Mom for good. Meanwhile, I think you guys have enough shoes. Love, SW.

Sea of Shoes has been busy since she acquired her “tri-tone brogues” by Comme des Garcons (Que to cry, Tavi!)

In fact, she and Mom have been at the Chictopia blogger summit, to discuss their own influence. According to WWD, Sea… is working on a project “that has to do with a community of fashion bloggers, like a fashion agency, that will bring a little order to the way brands and bloggers work together,” she said, adding that “blogging has increased the pace fashion moves at.”

Oh my! take your time to digest this.

Okay, good. So Sea (i.e., Mom) wants to bring a little order to fashion blogs. Maybe creating an official hierarchy by creating some kind of agency? Shit, you tell me, I don’t know what she’s talking about but it doesn’t sound like anything we need.

In the photo above, Sea looks pissed. She’s thinking, “Why the fuck am I here, I’m so much more important than these losers, I am practically Coco Fucking Chanel!”

Do you have a comment for Jane, who still won’t allow you to make one? This is your chance to speak up. I will go first:

“Dear Sea, please don’t get into some crazy shit where you try to control the Internet because it just won’t work. It doesn’t pay to throw your weight around when you’re eighteen years old and have to go everywhere with your mom. I can’t help thinking you actually believe that life is about shoes. One day, you will have to live down this whole episode. Love, SW.

Sea has been very busy with “work”, but here we find her taking a well-earned rest, covered fetchingly with nothing but a curated fur coat. Note the cascade of streaky hair.  Would a mother take such a photo of her teenage daughter? Surely not. So….did Sea pose for herself? Or for the gay boyfriend?

In other news, Sea confided that she didn’t really have a pair of casual flats, so she obtained/acquired a pair of studded Givenchy ballet shoes that are currently available at Barneys for $450.  A girl needs flats, right? $450 is really pretty reasonable, when you think about it.  It’s a steal, in fact.

Sea also confides that she’s sick and tired of the bad weather. Maybe it’s hard to shop in the rain. Where is a Margiela raincoat when you need one, for fuck sake? If only Mom would buy a TV!

If you need to leave a comment for Jane, this is your chance, since her ban on comments is still in effect. I’ll go first:

Dear Sea, the pose in the fur coat is an unfortunate development. Don’t ruin your brand by playing the slut card! Find a good colorist who can fix the hair, I’m sure they have one in Texas, or call Chanel to see if they’ll send one from Paris. Love, xo SW

Oh god, it’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it. Here is Sea, modeling one of the hideous new pieces of jewelry that she and Mom have recently “acquired.” Funnily enough, Sea wears the giant monstrosity with an Incredible Vintage Chanel Jacket that Mom “found” on eBay.

Don’t make me show you the other monstosities pieces that Sea and Mom have “obtained” by the same designer. They are all gigantic and garish: a squid, a baboon, and a bunch of other stuff you would gladly pass up at a yard sale. A quick look at the designer’s website reveals that these items go for $500 and up.

Would you like to leave Sea a comment? Me first:

Dear Sea, You and Mom need to stop this compulsive “curating” of shoes and accessories.  Could you at least not brag about it while I’m trying to watch people die in Haiti? I think you have lost your way. Bigger isn’t better, it’s just bigger. Meanwhile, here are some other words you might like – procure, appropriate, harvest, reap, and attain. Love, SW

Sea of  Shoes continues her reign of terror by designing a coat for Gryphon, a perfectly nice fashion line until now. Without ever meeting in person, Sea was able to transmit her design for the hideous coat she is modeling in this photo. Note the awkward bell sleeves and icky attached pouch.  If that’s not enough for you, Sea and Mom have SIGNED A BOOK DEAL!  Isn’t that fabulous?!?

Sea won’t publish your comments, you stupid peons, but you can leave them here.  I’ll go first.

Wow, awful coat, way to go! OMG, I heard about your book deal and asked myself, Where’s my book deal??  I wish I had an angle, like millions of shoes or a weird thing with my mom! Love, SW

The only thing good to say about 2009 is that it’s finally ending. What an awful year it’s been.

Please join me and Sea and Ronald in hoping for a brand new start in 2010! If you don’t already have an Asian-ish gay friend, may you acquire one in the year ahead!

Love and blessings to all,
Sister Wolf