Godammit, I’m Mad!

Sea has been so busy scouring the earth for new finery that I can barely keep up with her. Just briefly, she was lucky enough to find a long skirt with a leopard  “climbing up it” as well as a weird yellow and black clown suit. She wore the clown suit with black lipstick in an obvious attempt to frighten me. However, after my run-in with the good folks of Dallas and the Aldridge Gang themselves, nothing seems scary anymore.

Sea reveled in her childlike art projects and showed us some icky caterpillars. She shared her make-up secrets and posted a ton of old family snapshots so that we might worship her more fully. Perhaps she will post her dental records and old school report cards!

Mom had a date while the girls were out of town, and it proved to be an effective diversion from all the tweeting. Mom’s sister took  a well-earned break from sending me rude comments about my age, which continues to spiral upward toward infinity.

Sea doesn’t like to post comments and god knows, comments can be a little…..nutty. But since she wants us to admire and adore her, we must respond to those efforts out of the goodness of our hearts. I will begin:

Dear Sea, I think you look really cute in the hooker outfit and you might want to pursue this age-appropriate look more often. If you and your gang of rabid followers had a sense of humor, life would be so much better! Can’t you guys snag one on ebay or something? Oh well, keep up the shopping and posing. I’m sure you’re a really good person deep down where the camera can’t reach. Love, Sister Wolf.

Sea has taken a brief respite from shoe curating but the posing and self-adoration continue unabated, like the tides.

Sea acquired an ugly cockroach necklace in an effort to establish her quirkiness, and she heaped on the black eye liner for a Clueless Goth™ effect. She and Mom snagged a lame python jacket after a harrowing close call with not snagging it! Whew! Thank god it all worked out.

Most noteworthy is the garbled language skills that Sea has been curating! Here is her observation about her taste in interior design:

“I guess the baroque-psychedelia of Foster’s Home has my eye trained on the more whimsical touches of the mansions from the Gilded era. I got this book at Dolly Python yesterday and  love to see l that so many of these suffocatingly extravagant rooms have touches of candy colors like mint green, bubblegum pink, and robin’s egg blue.”

Hahahaha! “Suffocatingly extravagant?!?” Suffering succotash! That sounds like a description of her own living room!

Okay, you know the drill. I’ll go first:

Dear Sea, You’ll never believe this but I have the same black sweater from Lucky Jeans so we’re almost twins! Do you ever wonder what you would think about if you weren’t wealthy? Did you know that most women have a deep-seated dread of being like their mom? I like how you defy this fear by trying to look like a thirty-something divorcee circa 1980. If you need more cockroaches, let me recommend my kitchen! Love, SW

OMG! This is major news! It’s official: Sea has confirmed FOR THE FIRST TIME that Ronny™ is her boyfriend!

Where is the goddamn champagne?!

I don’t know why it’s taken so long, but I think we can all agree that we saw this coming. Maybe they fell in love at the cat cafe, or maybe it was already a done deal. I hope that being in love doesn’t interfere with the curating.

Sea has been trying to source a pair of hideous Margiela shoes and I am crossing my fingers that she’ll acquire them from Louisa Via Roma or whatever that place is called.

Meanwhile, Mom has been cooking up a storm, correctly deducing that Sea is now out of control and that she must forge a new Jane-less identity for herself.  Without Mom, though, Sea’s style has degenerated to tacky ill-fittting thriftshop dresses and sloppy unflattering hairdo’s.

Sea won’t publish your worthless opinions, but you can leave them here instead. I will go first:

Dear Sea, I am thrilled that you and Ronny™ are a couple, but whoa, he is packing such a gigantic package, are you sure you’re up to this?? Mom must’ve had a stroke when she saw this photo. I am impressed by your courage in following your heart even if it means dating your ex-boyfriend’s pal and risking a female injury. Don’t forget to shop, okay? Love, SW

That does sound like a cute day, doesn’t it?

This week, Sea posed in an ugly sweter and blamed it on Mom. I sense a rift between them, an overdue separation of their creepy merged identities. They no longer link to each other’s blog and they’re making subtle digs at each other.  I am hoping for a titanic war with no holds barred. Don’t they owe us that?!

Meanwhile, Sea declared herself a tragic know-nothing would-be hipster by foolishly writing a post about “Bad Art.” She doesn’t know the difference between kitsch, outsider art and folk art. All she knows is that stuff that looks crude is cool to like. Like, omg, Bad Art! It’s so funny! My own definition of bad art would be that crap in Sea’s living room.

Sea won’t publish your comments, you worthless proles, but you can leave them here. I will go first:

Dear Sea, Please don’t write about things that are way over your head! Stick to Miu Mui clogs! Go find out about Reverend Howard Finster, Adolf Wolfli, Renaldo Kuhler, and then read Jim Shaw’s mission statement in his book on Thrift Store Art.  What will it take to make you feel ashamed? This is a real question. Love, SW

Sea looks disappointed after her loss in the Shirley Temple Look-alike Competition. Even the red tutu isn’t enough to cheer her up.

But later, this effortlessly chic outfit brought a smile to her face.

She loves her new Givenchy shoes from “this  season.” Can somebody please price them??

She has also acquired some hideous jewelry a la Mom, who is busy decorating their crib like a Las Vegas brothel. I think they’re planning a trip to Florence. If so, I hope Ronnie comes along to help find a cat cafe.

Sea won’t publish your comments, you fucking philistines, but I will. Me first:

Dear Sea, Lose the 80’s look if you want to maintain your influence. Most young girls don’t want to look like a middle-aged extra in Dynasty. Say hi to Carol! Love, SW

Thank you Sea and Mom! You have given me the will to go on tonight!

Sea is wearing some stupid outfit from her high school production of “Robin Hood”, but she’s pretending it’s some avant garde Japanese designer. Haha, nice try, Sea.

Forget Sea, just LOOK at that background! Mom has had their house redecorated and behold the horror! I feel like it’s Christmas morning. Lucite modernist crap, tiger-skin rug, bronze bust, mirrored lamp a al Horchow Catalogue…it’s all good.

No doubt this fancy crib will be featured in the Dallas Daily Bugle or whatever their local paper is. But look, you’re in on it first. Mom will post tons of photos and her disciples will all go, “Oh god, it’s to die for! bla bla bla!”

Don’t leave your comments to Jane because this is not a Comments for Jane™ post. This is a Kudos to Mom™ post instead. I will go first:

Kudos to you, Mom! That’s one crazyass pad you got there. Did you snag some of that on eBay or did you just curate it? Could you buy me a new couch? My piece of shit from Ikea has fallen apart and now I’m too embarrassed to entertain. (Just kidding about the entertaining, not the couch!) Anyway, what an eye you have! You totally rock, love xoSW

Sea has been in Tokyo with Mom, Mom’s  handmaiden friend, and Ronnie. Above, Sea and Ronnie visit a Cat Cafe where people pay $10 to hang out with some cats. Don’t even ask.

At first, Sea thought the cat thing was kind of perverted, and she should know; but now she gets it. I’m glad someone does!

What I don’t get is Ronnie. What happened to Amit?!?!? He’s still alive and blogging, so we don’t have to worry about him getting wacked. But what’s the Ronnie deal? Does she collect Asian-looking guys like shoes? Or is Ronnie pretending to be her boyfriend? Was he friends with Amit? Did Mom pay for Ronnie to fly to Tokyo or was he already there? Is Ronnie concerned about being an appendage to Sea?

Here’s the exciting news: Mom reports that they have some “last minute shopping” to do before they come home tomorrow! Yay!

Sea doesn’t want to hear your opinion but you can leave it here anyway. I will go first:

Dear Sea, The cat thing is stupid. No matter how you try, you’ll never be as “weird” as you want to be. Give up! Spending money is your true calling. Can’t wait to see your new crap! Love, xoSW

Let’s get through this quickly:  Sea is so excited about her shopping trip to Tokyo that she’s already started packing. Why is she packing those Prada shoes that are supposed to be Mom’s? There’s some funny business going on with those shoes, just don’t ask me what.

Sea also posed on her bed for some photos with a wistful look on her face. I’m beginning to feel queasy about her nostrils, which seem unusually cavernous lately.

Mom’s eBay purchases in the last six months have reached a total of 393. That is some mad curating!

Even though Sea doesn’t allow comments, she has asked her readers to recommend the best toy stores in Tokyo.

If you can help out with the toy stores OR just want to say Hi, you can leave your comments for Sea here. I will go first:

Dear Sea, Have fun in Tokyo and please spend as much of Dad’s money as is humanly possible. Thanks, xo SW

I don’t think I can take much more of this. It’s killing me. I can’t go on. I’ll go on.  (Samuel Beckett)

Sea is excited about going to Tokyo in a couple of weeks to spend a few million dollars and take some cute photos.  She posed in some painful pointy Givenchy pumps, and twittered about vaginas and her dad’s cell phone.

Mom confided that she “had to have” these Lucite Prada shoes from Neiman’s. ($975) Not only that, but Sea “managed to snag a pair of the satin platforms … and they are really incredible.”

Who would like to deconstruct the phrase “managed to snag” in this context?

UPDATE: Now there are new Celine sandals for both Sea and Mom, and some hideous new garbage jewelry that was “sent” from Paris.

Sea won’t post your comments but you can leave them here. I’ll go first.

Dear Sea, Have you tried adding up the damage, shoe-wise, for the last month? Why are you throwing away your youth on this project? You’re staring to look nuts in those photos. Your outfits say “35 year old divorcee, circa 1980.” This is not a compliment. Stop the insanity and maybe poor dad can retire. Love, xo SW.