Godammit, I’m Mad!

Even though Jane is understandably upset about Japan, there’s no reason to abandon the hunt for more shoes. “Never compromise on shoes!” is her credo, I believe.

Here is an exercise in Goth Stupidity by Rick Owens, described by net-a-porter as follows:

Elaborately adorned with a frayed organza trim, Rick Owens’s black leather wedge sandals are an investment in the label’s avant-garde aesthetic. Step into this sculptural style to lend your evening look an instant hit of high-fashion drama.

At $2,240, I would like these shoes to do much, much more than lend high-fashion drama to my evening. I would like them to lick me all over from head to toe and then produce a half-gallon of Mocha Almond fudge ice cream, after which they can recite from memory the first chapter of Lolita and then tuck me in bed, turn off the lights and leave quietly by the back door.

My first response to these spring pumps by D&G was: “Sea of Shoes!” I  can’t think of anyone who could wear them better than Jane.

No one can do Nutty 70’s Divorcee like Jane does. Somehow she manages to look worn and trying-too-hard no matter what she wears. Her ‘Baby Jane’ Halloween costume was only a fraction scarier than her everyday look.

I think she could wear these shoes with a tutu over a Bob Mackie evening gown with maybe a huge bedazzled cowboy hat. Right? I don’t know, I’m crap at styling, obviously.

I’m not really mad at Jane any more. I have turned my wrath elsewhere. I’d like Jane to fix my roof or my teeth but if she chooses to buy shoes instead, I can deal with it.

Jane, these shoes are only $495. I hope their relatively low price won’t be a deterrent! You can buy them here.

Here is the newest “Lita” by Jeffrey “Laughing his ass off” Campbell.

The Exclusive Black Shag. At Karmaloop.  (Nickie Frye found them)

Jane, before you say no, hear me out. These shoes would show that you are a Man of the People, you know, like Evita! You could revel in how ironically awful they are, while scratching your itch to spend money and totter around hoping not to fall.

I think the possibilities are endless with these shoes.

Besides scaring the shit out of people, you could also _____________________.

*Who can finish this sentence?? Feel free to use “voluminous.”

“Comments for Jane” was a popular feature that many of us enjoyed, although others felt it was a symptom of an unwholesome obsession. God knows, it inflamed many of Jane’s fanclub in Dallas and around the world.

I’ve retired that feature, in part because I like Jane’s mother, Mom of Shoes. She’s a divorced mother of two teenagers, and in that I feel a kinship, even though our lives are so different.  She’s doing her best, just like I am.

However, seeing Jane’s new post about these YSL shoes she acquired in Las Vegas, I felt the old call to duty. Sea didn’t purchase or buy the shoes: it was more magical than that.  She fell in love with them and “as soon as they were mine, I blah blah blah.” Not only that, she’s waiting for another pair in a different color to be shipped to her home. Again, there was no crass “purchasing” or “buying” involved.

Coincidentally, today a reader sent me a link to a pair of colorful overpriced shoes at net-a-porter, and naturally I thought of Sea. I really want her to buy them.

So I am launching this new feature, called “Please Jane, Buy These Shoes! ™ ”

Jane, these shoes are only $1,125 and you know you want them. Come on, they’re cute and you like a pop of color, right? Please buy them!

*Citizens, if you see a pair of shoes that seem worthy of this feature, just me send a link! xo

Okay, but don’t tell Clement Hurd.

Sometimes I forget that people aren’t always what they seem to be online. Even more often, I forget that people don’t always look how they look online. We all get lucky in some photos and less lucky in others. A few genetic freaks of nature look amazing from every angle, in every light. But not most of us.

Here’s a really unflattering picture of me, taken last November after I tripped over a curb and broke my hip. Ordinarily I’d rather die than post it, but I need it to illustrate my point. (On the bright side, you can see my O.J. Simpson Trading Cards in the background.)

At Sea of Shoes, for example, you will never see a photo of Sea’s behind. And she’s announced many times that she looks for “volume” in clothes. She knows how to conceal her weaker areas and play up the stronger ones.

This photo confirms that Sea has to work hard to get those glowing portraits she posts! It’s the magic of a $2,000 Nikon and the right lighting.

People remind me over and over that someone’s online persona may be nothing like their real self. When I told my sister about one of my dearest cyber-friends, she exclaimed, “How do you know that anything they say is true?!” Her cynicism upset me. I just assume I can discern a genuine personality from a manufactured one.

Recently I read this essay by Zadie Smith on “The Social Network” and Facebook, and it blew my mind. I can’t recommend it highly enough! The notion that we may be learning to limit our actual selves by the way we shape our own “brands” online is really thought provoking. It disturbs me.

My own online presence is a little disturbing to me.  People know too much about me.  I’m open about my whole life. I may regret it, but I can’t think why, since I’ll never run for president or seek a corporate job. But I can at least say that I’m not presenting a fake or even well-edited version of who I am.  I think I’m exactly what I seem like. But maybe a tiny bit less of a cunt.

Sea has been so busy scouring the earth for new finery that I can barely keep up with her. Just briefly, she was lucky enough to find a long skirt with a leopard  “climbing up it” as well as a weird yellow and black clown suit. She wore the clown suit with black lipstick in an obvious attempt to frighten me. However, after my run-in with the good folks of Dallas and the Aldridge Gang themselves, nothing seems scary anymore.

Sea reveled in her childlike art projects and showed us some icky caterpillars. She shared her make-up secrets and posted a ton of old family snapshots so that we might worship her more fully. Perhaps she will post her dental records and old school report cards!

Mom had a date while the girls were out of town, and it proved to be an effective diversion from all the tweeting. Mom’s sister took  a well-earned break from sending me rude comments about my age, which continues to spiral upward toward infinity.

Sea doesn’t like to post comments and god knows, comments can be a little…..nutty. But since she wants us to admire and adore her, we must respond to those efforts out of the goodness of our hearts. I will begin:

Dear Sea, I think you look really cute in the hooker outfit and you might want to pursue this age-appropriate look more often. If you and your gang of rabid followers had a sense of humor, life would be so much better! Can’t you guys snag one on ebay or something? Oh well, keep up the shopping and posing. I’m sure you’re a really good person deep down where the camera can’t reach. Love, Sister Wolf.

Sea has taken a brief respite from shoe curating but the posing and self-adoration continue unabated, like the tides.

Sea acquired an ugly cockroach necklace in an effort to establish her quirkiness, and she heaped on the black eye liner for a Clueless Goth™ effect. She and Mom snagged a lame python jacket after a harrowing close call with not snagging it! Whew! Thank god it all worked out.

Most noteworthy is the garbled language skills that Sea has been curating! Here is her observation about her taste in interior design:

“I guess the baroque-psychedelia of Foster’s Home has my eye trained on the more whimsical touches of the mansions from the Gilded era. I got this book at Dolly Python yesterday and  love to see l that so many of these suffocatingly extravagant rooms have touches of candy colors like mint green, bubblegum pink, and robin’s egg blue.”

Hahahaha! “Suffocatingly extravagant?!?” Suffering succotash! That sounds like a description of her own living room!

Okay, you know the drill. I’ll go first:

Dear Sea, You’ll never believe this but I have the same black sweater from Lucky Jeans so we’re almost twins! Do you ever wonder what you would think about if you weren’t wealthy? Did you know that most women have a deep-seated dread of being like their mom? I like how you defy this fear by trying to look like a thirty-something divorcee circa 1980. If you need more cockroaches, let me recommend my kitchen! Love, SW

OMG! This is major news! It’s official: Sea has confirmed FOR THE FIRST TIME that Ronny™ is her boyfriend!

Where is the goddamn champagne?!

I don’t know why it’s taken so long, but I think we can all agree that we saw this coming. Maybe they fell in love at the cat cafe, or maybe it was already a done deal. I hope that being in love doesn’t interfere with the curating.

Sea has been trying to source a pair of hideous Margiela shoes and I am crossing my fingers that she’ll acquire them from Louisa Via Roma or whatever that place is called.

Meanwhile, Mom has been cooking up a storm, correctly deducing that Sea is now out of control and that she must forge a new Jane-less identity for herself.  Without Mom, though, Sea’s style has degenerated to tacky ill-fittting thriftshop dresses and sloppy unflattering hairdo’s.

Sea won’t publish your worthless opinions, but you can leave them here instead. I will go first:

Dear Sea, I am thrilled that you and Ronny™ are a couple, but whoa, he is packing such a gigantic package, are you sure you’re up to this?? Mom must’ve had a stroke when she saw this photo. I am impressed by your courage in following your heart even if it means dating your ex-boyfriend’s pal and risking a female injury. Don’t forget to shop, okay? Love, SW