Godammit, I’m Mad!

That does sound like a cute day, doesn’t it?

This week, Sea posed in an ugly sweter and blamed it on Mom. I sense a rift between them, an overdue separation of their creepy merged identities. They no longer link to each other’s blog and they’re making subtle digs at each other.  I am hoping for a titanic war with no holds barred. Don’t they owe us that?!

Meanwhile, Sea declared herself a tragic know-nothing would-be hipster by foolishly writing a post about “Bad Art.” She doesn’t know the difference between kitsch, outsider art and folk art. All she knows is that stuff that looks crude is cool to like. Like, omg, Bad Art! It’s so funny! My own definition of bad art would be that crap in Sea’s living room.

Sea won’t publish your comments, you worthless proles, but you can leave them here. I will go first:

Dear Sea, Please don’t write about things that are way over your head! Stick to Miu Mui clogs! Go find out about Reverend Howard Finster, Adolf Wolfli, Renaldo Kuhler, and then read Jim Shaw’s mission statement in his book on Thrift Store Art.  What will it take to make you feel ashamed? This is a real question. Love, SW

Sea looks disappointed after her loss in the Shirley Temple Look-alike Competition. Even the red tutu isn’t enough to cheer her up.

But later, this effortlessly chic outfit brought a smile to her face.

She loves her new Givenchy shoes from “this  season.” Can somebody please price them??

She has also acquired some hideous jewelry a la Mom, who is busy decorating their crib like a Las Vegas brothel. I think they’re planning a trip to Florence. If so, I hope Ronnie comes along to help find a cat cafe.

Sea won’t publish your comments, you fucking philistines, but I will. Me first:

Dear Sea, Lose the 80’s look if you want to maintain your influence. Most young girls don’t want to look like a middle-aged extra in Dynasty. Say hi to Carol! Love, SW

Thank you Sea and Mom! You have given me the will to go on tonight!

Sea is wearing some stupid outfit from her high school production of “Robin Hood”, but she’s pretending it’s some avant garde Japanese designer. Haha, nice try, Sea.

Forget Sea, just LOOK at that background! Mom has had their house redecorated and behold the horror! I feel like it’s Christmas morning. Lucite modernist crap, tiger-skin rug, bronze bust, mirrored lamp a al Horchow Catalogue…it’s all good.

No doubt this fancy crib will be featured in the Dallas Daily Bugle or whatever their local paper is. But look, you’re in on it first. Mom will post tons of photos and her disciples will all go, “Oh god, it’s to die for! bla bla bla!”

Don’t leave your comments to Jane because this is not a Comments for Jane™ post. This is a Kudos to Mom™ post instead. I will go first:

Kudos to you, Mom! That’s one crazyass pad you got there. Did you snag some of that on eBay or did you just curate it? Could you buy me a new couch? My piece of shit from Ikea has fallen apart and now I’m too embarrassed to entertain. (Just kidding about the entertaining, not the couch!) Anyway, what an eye you have! You totally rock, love xoSW

Sea has been in Tokyo with Mom, Mom’s  handmaiden friend, and Ronnie. Above, Sea and Ronnie visit a Cat Cafe where people pay $10 to hang out with some cats. Don’t even ask.

At first, Sea thought the cat thing was kind of perverted, and she should know; but now she gets it. I’m glad someone does!

What I don’t get is Ronnie. What happened to Amit?!?!? He’s still alive and blogging, so we don’t have to worry about him getting wacked. But what’s the Ronnie deal? Does she collect Asian-looking guys like shoes? Or is Ronnie pretending to be her boyfriend? Was he friends with Amit? Did Mom pay for Ronnie to fly to Tokyo or was he already there? Is Ronnie concerned about being an appendage to Sea?

Here’s the exciting news: Mom reports that they have some “last minute shopping” to do before they come home tomorrow! Yay!

Sea doesn’t want to hear your opinion but you can leave it here anyway. I will go first:

Dear Sea, The cat thing is stupid. No matter how you try, you’ll never be as “weird” as you want to be. Give up! Spending money is your true calling. Can’t wait to see your new crap! Love, xoSW

Let’s get through this quickly:  Sea is so excited about her shopping trip to Tokyo that she’s already started packing. Why is she packing those Prada shoes that are supposed to be Mom’s? There’s some funny business going on with those shoes, just don’t ask me what.

Sea also posed on her bed for some photos with a wistful look on her face. I’m beginning to feel queasy about her nostrils, which seem unusually cavernous lately.

Mom’s eBay purchases in the last six months have reached a total of 393. That is some mad curating!

Even though Sea doesn’t allow comments, she has asked her readers to recommend the best toy stores in Tokyo.

If you can help out with the toy stores OR just want to say Hi, you can leave your comments for Sea here. I will go first:

Dear Sea, Have fun in Tokyo and please spend as much of Dad’s money as is humanly possible. Thanks, xo SW

I don’t think I can take much more of this. It’s killing me. I can’t go on. I’ll go on.  (Samuel Beckett)

Sea is excited about going to Tokyo in a couple of weeks to spend a few million dollars and take some cute photos.  She posed in some painful pointy Givenchy pumps, and twittered about vaginas and her dad’s cell phone.

Mom confided that she “had to have” these Lucite Prada shoes from Neiman’s. ($975) Not only that, but Sea “managed to snag a pair of the satin platforms … and they are really incredible.”

Who would like to deconstruct the phrase “managed to snag” in this context?

UPDATE: Now there are new Celine sandals for both Sea and Mom, and some hideous new garbage jewelry that was “sent” from Paris.

Sea won’t post your comments but you can leave them here. I’ll go first.

Dear Sea, Have you tried adding up the damage, shoe-wise, for the last month? Why are you throwing away your youth on this project? You’re staring to look nuts in those photos. Your outfits say “35 year old divorcee, circa 1980.” This is not a compliment. Stop the insanity and maybe poor dad can retire. Love, xo SW.

Sea has been busy busy busy.  Above, she models the first creation of a new jewelry and belt line that she and Mom are launching. Hopefully, there will be giant slugs and cockroaches too.

Secretly, Sea has been visiting the brothels of Bangkok, looking for Asian boys with prominent anuses. She has become a favorite with the locals, who scream and hold out their prosthetic legs, hoping she will reward them with a Miu Miu platform bootie or Givenchy ballet flat.

While Sea was off indulging her appetite for hipster porn, Mom discovered that after spending $25,000 at Barneys, she could pick up a Celine bag with her free points! You can see it over at her blog. Meanwhile, Mom plundered eBay for its most icky offerings, including this tragic ‘dragon sweater’:

The sweater will look cool with another of Mom’s recent eBay finds, a scary fish pendant:

Back at Mom’s blog, she shows off some other crap she “won” on eBay. She still can’t use the word “buy!” I love this stubbornness so much, it reminds me of myself and that’s what I look for in people.

Mom’s shopping has gotten so out of control, Sea has threatened to delete her blog. Mom begged Sea to reconsider, even promising to hand over all her curated knits from the 70’s, including every single Adolfo cardigan jacket rejected by Nancy Reagan.

Sea is planing to replace Karl Lagerfeld at Chanel, based on her work with crayons. Karl is upset, but you can’t fight progress. Yohji and Junya have gone into hiding.

Mom is hoping to work for Sea, without whom her life would be an endless quest for bad jewelry and letters to her ex-husband, begging for funds. Mom has been calling Carol, tattling on Sea’s naughty lesbian proclivities, hoping Carol can persuade Sea to make up with Akbar.

Carol is too busy to leave her studies but here’s what she wrote to Mom:

Dear Mom, I think you should let Jane be free to follow her dreams. You should find a way to fulfill yourself without exploiting Jane or Dad. I’ve learned here at school that there’s more to life than hoarding material goods. Love, Carol.

Do you have a comment for Jane? You can leave one here, thanks to my gracious gift of comment space for this purpose.

Sea has been on the road with Dad, I think to SXSW to hear some awful new bands. She got to hang out with her Asian-ish friend Ronald, but really the main event was her new boots by Maison Martin Margiela, available now at net-a-porter for $1245.00

Do we think that these boots were a free gift from Martin Margiela? Because otherwise, the shoe bill in this family for just the last month is astronomical. Oh well, what’s money, right?  In other news, Sea is super excited about being identified as a “pervert” on a fasion blog. She’s really arrived! She’s practically Madonna! It’s fun to have a naughty reputation! Plus, you can keep hoarding shoes while you cultivate the pervert thing!

I’m getting tired of Sea, to tell you the truth. I only want to keep a tab on the shoe expenditure. The story seems to have stalled, hasn’t it? I need some plot development, some forward movement. I might have to start inventing a narrative for Sea and Mom unless they can crank up the pace.

Sea doesn’t care what you think. She wants you to look at her and her expensive shoes, to hear about Ronnie and all the nice hotels she stays in, but if you have an opinion you can fucking well keep it to yourself. Or, you can leave it here. I will go first:

Dear Sea, I am losing interest in you but all is not lost. Mom’s gigantic metal beetle belt is making me think that maybe Mom is the real story here. Would you feel bad if I start making up adventures for you and Mom? I could have Carol appear at the end of each one to deliver a moral lesson. Think it over. Love, SW.  P.S. Enough with the red hair.

Okay, it’s time to get serious. After reading a new interview with Sea here, and then having a look at her “other” blog, I see there is something going on. Upon deliberating, I think I have cracked the code.

Sea of Shoes is actually code for SOS! It is a cri de coeur from Jane,  begging the world to deliver her from her demons.

I hear you, Jane! In the interview, she is asked to describe herself in 3 words. She answers: “Dirty old man.” Oh my! Elsewhere, in response to the question, “Tell me something most people wouldn’t know about you,” she says, “I’m a big sicko.”

OKAY, I GET IT. You’re a dark soul with fetishes aplenty, or you’re a lesbian. This is why your latest entry at your “other” blog is a naked woman displaying her anus.  It explains the emphasis on tits and ass. Instead of dropping hints, it might be better to just integrate your dark, lesbitious side into your everyday life and to feel okay with it.

Jane doesn’t want your comments but you can leave them here instead. I will go first:

Dear Sea, Don’t be ashamed of who you are. Just be ashamed of buying all those shoes. Love, SW