Godammit, I’m Mad!

Which one do you want more?

or

A few months ago, several people sent me links to an interview with Jane Aldridge of Sea of Shoes, depicting her as a narcissistic, clueless Mean Girl. They probably hoped I would take to my blog, going Nah nah, Jane got dissed!

My personal interest in Jane and her blog was extinguished long ago, after a staggering outpouring of abuse from her friends and associates. I appealed to Jane’s sense of decency, and she suggested that I write about something safe, “like muffins.” Finally, one of the worst trolls reluctantly agreed to stop contacting me, reporting that Jane was sick of my “whining emails.”

Thinking about Jane now, I see we’re not that different. I like to buy shoes. I buy shoes that I don’t even wear. I buy shoes that some people would find excessive and even stupid. Here is an example:

See? They are still in the box and god knows I don’t need them but I really love them.

In the spirit of solidarity with Jane, let me compliment her on her fabulous living room, pictured above. It was recently featured in a regional magazine celebrating all things Texan.

At only 20 years old, Jane has furnished her first apartment with modest but quirky good taste. She has shunned crass opulence in favor of a low key dorm room effect, perfect for a young girl on a budget.  It’s a welcoming, homey living room where comfort is obviously the priority. And I love the carefully edited knick-knacks!

As a lazy slob who hasn’t even owned a full-length mirror in twenty years, I say kudos to Jane. May all her dreams come true.*

*Unless she wants a pair of those silver shoes, then no.

Admit that these shoes are perfect for me. They’re flat, they’re pointy, they’re an impractical color. They are screaming my name.

Plus, they’re on sale, reduced from $850 to $340! I would be saving $510!

But I know it’s wrong to spend $340 on shoes I don’t need. I never go anywhere and I have plenty of shoes. Not that these details have stopped me in the past.

I really want to get out my credit card but I also want to be a virtuous person instead of a greedy nitwit who curates stupid shoes. I’m trying to think of other things that $340 could buy. I could get a half-vial of Radiesse to plump up my face like a chipmunk, or half a chipmunk.

I could feed 5000 starving families in Africa. I could get a pair of eyeglasses that don’t leave a deep indentation on the bridge of my nose. I could pay my Nordstrom bill.

What better things could I do with $340? Please help me. I feel like a werewolf on a full moon.

Customer  review:

“I loove this shoe! I purchased it for my bday and wore it with vintage ripped shorts and a collared, quarter-length, oversized, pale yellow shirt and it BANGED!! However, I must add that this shoe is very versatile and can be dressed up or down. It gives every outfit a very polished, futuristic look! Worth every penny :

(Solestruck, $159)

Questions?

I wore this silk chiffon prom dress on Friday night and felt like a fairy princess. I was smugly thinking “Ha, not bad for 68!” but then I remembered that I’m 58.

At the end of the evening, I had eaten three kinds of french fries and felt like a giant red whale.  Nonetheless,  I think I rocked this pop of color very nicely.

Anthropologie dress, Chanel bag, a letter I still haven’t mailed, Re-mix shoes, ba&sh leather jacket, enormous push-up bra by DKNY, and a leopard printed panty-girdle.

“Don’t deny it, you’re kinda obsessed with this right?? I mean it’s pretty amazing. Real goat hair upper on a gorgeous wood heel takes serious fashion cred to pull off.”

Well, they’ve got our number at Solestruck; are they psychic or what? There’s no use denying that we want to pay $229 to look like a crippled goat.   But do we have the cred?

Isn’t there an ogre that hides under the bridge in order to grab the Billy goat? Is the shoe actually an Ogre?

Hope is a thing with feathers*….and yet this new style by Jeffrey Campbell evokes a different concept. My first thought was of something throwing up on itself.

Adding a dash of perversity, they call this color “purple” when it doesn’t take a drag queen to know it is pink.

$209, but I’m warning you, it runs narrow.

*

Why did they stop there? Why not add zebra?

This “shoe” makes me want to cry.   $469.95 at solestruck.

“Not just a sandal–a work of art, a thing of beauty. This Brian Atwood sandal boasts wild leopard print, ribbons that lace up your ankle, and feathers that sway with every step.”    $1,450 Neiman Marcus

“Not just a shoe–an object of desire, a work of art. This Diego Dolcini satin showcases fan-pleated chiffon, articulated with two-tone elegance and discerning crystal embellishments.”   $2,445   Neiman Marcus

Can’t decide?

Here’s a close-up of the discerning crystal embellishments. (Can they be discerning? Why not  judgmental, while we’re at it?)

And here’s the Thing of Beauty, walking back into the jungle….

I just clicked on “women” at Need Supply and this gave me a nasty shock. I was expecting some innocent pictures of the favored Need Supply model, with the tragic doodle-pad tattoos, wearing some crappy shorts or something, then WHAM!

Jeffrey Campbell is not safe for older people with heart problems. Or people with eyes.

Represent Fringe Platform, $175