Godammit, I’m Mad!

But why???

by Finsk. $999.95

I was going to pose the question, “These boots would be good for ___”, but Net-a-porter has already explained it!

“LD Tuttle’s open-back taupe leather boots exude directional downtown cool.”

So the mystery is solved.   They are good for for exuding directional downtown cool. I never would have guessed in a million years!

Net-a-porter $550

Dolce & Gabbana Fall 2011

My first reaction to this collection was: Give me those fucking shoes!

It’s nothing to do with trends. I can’t walk in heels and a nice pointy oxford is my holy grail.

This whole Teddy Boy pimp look is such a treat! Everything about it is good. Comfortable, androgynous, provocative and easy to adapt for any body shape. I don’t know what men think about this look but that’s not our problem!

I can’t wait for the knock-off version of these shoes. Meanwhile, I have already nailed the slipping black bra-strap and I’d even call it my Signature, along with red lipstick. If you’re too lazy to adjust your bra-strap, you too can easily achieve this slutty panache!

My first response to these spring pumps by D&G was: “Sea of Shoes!” I   can’t think of anyone who could wear them better than Jane.

No one can do Nutty 70′s Divorcee like Jane does. Somehow she manages to look worn and trying-too-hard no matter what she wears. Her ‘Baby Jane’ Halloween costume was only a fraction scarier than her everyday look.

I think she could wear these shoes with a tutu over a Bob Mackie evening gown with maybe a huge bedazzled cowboy hat. Right? I don’t know, I’m crap at styling, obviously.

I’m not really mad at Jane any more. I have turned my wrath elsewhere. I’d like Jane to fix my roof or my teeth but if she chooses to buy shoes instead, I can deal with it.

Jane, these shoes are only $495. I hope their relatively low price won’t be a deterrent! You can buy them here.

Pink Docs.

It’s time to move on from the big black goat-hair coat.   It was fun for a while but now it’s sad.   Do any normal people wear them, or just fashion blogggers?

I don’t want to see any version of the Lita, or any clog hybrids.   No more talons, either. No more Alex Wang handbags and no more ratty leopard print jackets unless you’re Kate Moss.

What look or item would you like to banish for 2011?

*UPDATE – Shit, I just saw that the NYT did a piece on Ten Things they don’t want to see in 2011. It’s here.

Here is another offering from the cynical monster known as Jeffrey Campbell.   Each time he comes out with one of these, he is slapping his knee and laughing. He wants to see how far he can push today’s brainwashed consumerettes.

This “shoe” is special “thanks to a super cool removable ankle cuff.”   I can’t imagine fucking around with the ankle cuff and I can’t even think about it. No no no to everything about this contemptible shoe.

Now. Some of you out there are fed up with my Hideous Shoe posts. You want me to get serious, to write about stuff that’s interesting and thought provoking.

But others out there are going “Oh god, all she does is whine about her personal misery! Where is the fun stuff?”

Do I need two blogs, one for trivial mockery of fashion trends and pathetic fame-whore bloggers, and another to air my feelings of despair and hopelessness? Or should I give up blogging altogether, as a waste of time and energy? Or should I just kill myself or pray for brain cancer?

I don’t know what direction to take. I really truly don’t know if I’m trying to express myself or avoid myself.   I’m looking for considered opinions, not some bullshit about some other bullshit.

Here is Vanessa Traina, an It Girl I’ve only just discovered thanks to a magazine editorial on her grotesque and pretentious crib, which features a large quantity of fur and a stuffed zebra. I was going to devote a full rant to the tragic awfulness of this person (whose mom is Louboutin-hoarder and hack writer Danielle Steele) until I came upon a video of her at a party with It Girl Jen Brill.

They are living big lives, with all that fur! Their combined shoe collections could probably buy the Taj Mahal if turned back into money, but they take their work as Chanel ambassadors very seriously.

Should we hate them, love   them, or pity them?

Let me put it another way: Ms. Brill has had to submit to boyfriend Terry Richardson‘s everpresent gargantuan appendage in order to cement her status.   Ms. Traina has had to endure the shame of her mother’s celebrated shopping mania, publicity seeking and poor grammar, along with who knows what else.

Share a couple of minutes with these Style Icons here! Go on, it’s worth it. My favorite part is the way Vanessa pronounces “Balmain.” (I’m saying it right now in my   head.) Then look at your own shabby shoe collection and give thanks.

P.S. If I wanted to be mean, I’d say that Vanessa looks like a horse and Jen’s legs are chunky, but as a newly minted feminist, I don’t engage in Body Shaming.

(That’s how Solestruck describes this new creation by style butcher Jeffrey Campbell.)

I like how this view features chipped toenail polish!

But the very best thing of all is the strict directive: “Limit 3 per customer.“

Everyone probably knows about this but me. However just in case I’m not alone in my ignorance, there is a Virtual Shoe Museum where you can marvel at weird shoes all day long!

Check out William (Boy) Habraken‘s collection of tribal and ethnographical shoes…the largest in the world.

The Virtual Shoe Museum has a user-friendly data-base that lets you search by material (fur, feathers, plastic, wool, etc) designer, style, etc. Go have some fun!