Godammit, I’m Mad!

For the first time in months, I went out to shop today! My BF took us to Neiman Marcus, where we saw LaToya Jackson in the men’s department wearing a red Santa hat and sporting a bubble butt that jiggled wildly but still looked fake.

In the shoe department, the sale racks were overflowing with eye-popping high-end monstrosities by the usual designers.  I thought it would be nice to try on some $1,500 alligator wedges. I would rather die than try to walk in shoes like this, since I clearly have trouble walking in flat athletic shoes.

I was transfixed by an awful woman trying on some high suede boots. She modeled them in different positions as though trying out for a contest of some kind. Her legs were as thin as my arms but her lips were inflated enough to save at least half of the passengers on the Titanic. I hope she bought the boots.

Upstairs in the clothing department, a woman who looked like Terry Hatcher kissed up to a woman with awful frizzy red hair, who revealed that she was up for a directing award. Terry gushed that she always saw Frizzy on Facebook, but Frizzy insisted that she rarely logged in.

It was a joyous day, and I achieved a dizzying level of shopping-endorphins without having to spend any money. Like any addict, I can’t wait to do it again.

leather jacket by Gar-de, ill-fitting old jeans by Wrangler, blue shoes by Adidas, Chanel bag, cane from Rite-Aid.

Let’s say you buy a hideous green leather YSL jacket on eBay for $320.  And it’s listed as:  “VTG Yves Saint Laurent Art Deco Cropped Leather Jacket.”

Should you boast that you “found” it on eBay? To my mind, you “bought” it. It was right there for sale and you saw it and you bought it.  Maybe if it was listed on eBay as “Crap leather jacket from the 80s” and you RECOGNIZED it as an YSL piece, then you could say you found it on eBay.

Now.  If you spent some time in the Jewish Ladies Thrift Shop and while searching through a rack of ugly polyester shit, you find this for $40…

that is actually “finding.” The person I sold it to on eBay for $320 BOUGHT it! I think we were both happy about it, too.

So, what do you think? Do you get any points for buying expensive designer shit on eBay? Is there a difference between “finding” something and “buying” it?

Tonight, I was laying on my bed like a beached whale after my day at the “hospital” and talking on the phone to my sister. She was telling me about the three t-shirts she bought today and while she was talking, my mind drifted to the thought: “I’m glad I don’t need a tracheotomy.”

What a funny place to be, after a lifetime of shopping! I know it won’t last forever. When everything returns to normal, I’ll probably resume the mindless pursuit of clothes, boots and jewelry with as much vigor as the next addict.

But for now, everything is skewed. Photos of street style are particularly difficult to take seriously. The trendier the outfit, the more I feel that the person should just kill them-self. See the girl above? What’s the point of her, you know? She was told to wear a peak-shouldered jacket and painful high heels, and she complied. So what?!

On the other hand, fashion is not without its power to amuse when times are hard. Even though I have no urge to buy anything, I can still appreciate this jumpsuit for sale by Mom of Shoes:

It is described as:  Great 70’s lounge jumpsuit in bold houndstooth print. This is a very high quality piece, feels like wool.

Is she having a laugh or is she curating ironically ugly thriftstore crap? What does the word “great” mean in this context? I don’t get it, but it delivered another little frisson of perverse pleasure, and I use the word “frisson” because it goes so well with the jumpsuit.

Thoughts, complaints, etc?

When I go to Nordstrom, it’s always an adventure. The charging and taking back alone is more gratifying that I can tell you. This time, I was dazzled by a Nordstrom employee with a fantastic hairstyle. Her name is Faith and she is a design school graduate. I love her hair and she turned out to be a really great girl.

Faith has just started a blog, so we talked about blogging. She told me that she likes Sea of Shoes and that furthermore, Sea of Shoes and Mom of Shoes had come into the store recently. I shrieked and jumped up and down like an excited 5 year old, alerting Faith that she was dealing with a psychopath. She divulged that Sea was kind of shy, and was wearing Margiela.

Is it a Small World After All, or are we all connected by shoes?

Since it was the day after my birthday and I was still feeling entitled, I bought a pair of “cropped jeans” because they were on sale AND chartreuse. Look:

The tag says “citron” but I’m sticking with chartreuse. If you think they’re unflattering on the model, you should see them on me. Terrible! And yet.

I have a vague irrational idea that these pants could somehow look good. What could I rock with them to be seriously killing it? Besides the fierce heels. How about black boots and black jacket? Or, a red cashmere sweater? Red + chartreuse is one of my favorite combinations! It’s aggressive, it’s jarring, it says “Too bad for you!”

Ideas? Or should I just take them back and look for Faith?

The sight of these boots from the new 80/20 lookbook triggered a variety of feelings, like OH NO, will I start wanting these? and ending with, Would Rumi wear them? From now on, when I evaluate footwear, I’m going to apply the Rumi test.  If the answer seems like Yes, they are automatically off my agenda.

What about these Jeffrey Campbell gladiator sandals. If you can’t tell whether something is a sandal or boots, that could be a bad sign. I think I like these anyway. They’re only $180. If only they were $475,  I’d LOVE them and fret about them  You know exactly what I mean, right?

I told you girdles and suspender belts were hot, but would you listen?  Now, Dior is on board, and let’s see who can resist the call.

Girdles, garter belts, industrial strength brassieres, it’s all good. Taking a hint from Amanda Palmer, I’d like to strut around in a black garter belt, raggedy stockings and army boots. I don’t know what could be more ‘empowering’ and inviting at the same time.

I hate the word “empowering”, by the way.  What I mean is, to revel in one’s sexual authority.  If you’ve never worn a garter belt, try it and see it’s effect.

I once knew a woman whose husband’s preference in lingerie was plain white underwear.  I tried not to let on how horrified and disgusted I was:  What a fucking  freak! It wasn’t like he wanted a schoolgirl, it was more of a Pottery Barn aesthetic. I guess he thought sexy underwear was vulgar. Sure enough, she had an affair with a guy she worked with, but he turned out to be a pantyhose enthusiast. I’m not sure what this proves.

Today I went out with my BFF and bought a bra from a sale rack. I was later surprised to hear that this constitutes “shopping.”  Since when is buying a bra shopping?!  I also bought a lipstick, which I know isn’t shopping, it’s just restocking.

Sharon Osbourne is known to be a voracious shopper capable of dropping $65,000 on a single excursion.  I don’t know much else about her.

My friend Jane invited me to come with her to a private sale of Sharon Osbourne’s unwanted clothes, with a portion of the proceeds going to charity.  Since Jane doesn’t give a shit about fashion, it was really nice of her to think of me and do all the driving. Thanks, Jane!

Here’s what I can tell you: That woman can shop like a motherfucker. Sharon, not Jane.  She loves black. I mean she really totally loves it. She can’t get enough black. Just the black coats and jackets took up a couple of racks. Also, she loves white. You can see her loving white in the photo above, taken in a store called Intermix in L.A.

The white shirt selection was astounding. Some bitch who made sure everyone knew she was a celebrity stylist worked her way through the white shirts while blabbing on her phone about pirate costumes. When I touched one of the shirts, she snapped “All of these are mine.”

There were quite a few Chanel items with the tags still on. A $5,000 Chanel thing was marked $2,000. Most of it was black. All the major designers were represented, don’t make me name them all, okay? Jane bought some great Hermes shoes for $135.  I admired a crazy long  coat by Commes de Garcon made out of white cotton eyelet for $500.

In the end, I bought a coat by Sharon Wauchob because 1) I like long coats, and 2) I’ve heard of this designer, whose shit is on the Reborn website.

Now, my only problem is that I can’t figure out how the coat works. It has a hook thing and a snap thing. If you do them both, the coat is all fucked up. It has 2 long chiffon ribbons hanging on the inside, for what purpose I have no clue. The back is great, like a proper mourning jacket, with another two chiffon ribbons. The sleeves are cinched in the middle and have big cuffs.

The collar makes no sense, I can’t figure out what it wants to do. Maybe it is a wide portrait collar? It has pads in the wrong place. Or maybe it wants to be turned up like a vampire cloak? Who the fuck knows. It’s a size 38 and made in  France, with a nice lining.

Notice the lack of styling in these photos. I was lucky to get them, if you know what I mean, mothers of teenagers!

Anyway, if anyone needs this very special coat, I will sell it for $150, unless Sharon (either one of the Sharons, actually) calls me to explain the complications.

I subscribe to a newsletter that tells me what’s going on in L.A. Yesterday, it included a plea from a shop in Santa Monica that is struggling to stay in business. They are “reaching out” and asking for support.

BUT!  Since I’m a cunt, I elected to write a comment on this post, relating my terrible experience in the shop. This happened a couple of years ago, but the bitter aftertaste is still there.

I wandered into the shop and saw that they carried shit by Yohji Yamamoto. A salesperson approached me when she saw me looking at a brown leather jacket. She proceeded to do everything in her power to make me buy the jacket. She started by expounding on how great it was, and ended up by saying it was now 30% off, but just for today only. She looked like she would gladly strangle me if it would close the sale.

I turned my attention to a pair of Y3 shoes nearby. I asked her if she had the silver ones. She looked irritated. I told her I’d seen them online but they were out of my size on the website. She sneered slightly and delivered the immortal line:

“You obviously know nothing about Yohji, or you’d know that he only makes one pair of shoes in each size.”

Then, she turned and walked away, a veritable midget in her shortness and wearing a ridiculous beret to make matter worse. I stood frozen in disbelief, looking around for a hidden camera. Or a manager. But after a moment, I put the shoe down and left, thinking What a Fucking Cunt™!

I hatched a plan with a friend to rent an Asian guy to accompany me to the store, posing as Yohji Yamamoto. It would be like that scene in Annie Hall, where Woody Allen suddenly produces Marshall McLuhan to silence some idiot. Like McLuhan, Yohji would approach that cunt and say, “You know nothing of my work!”

Ah, how we laughed.

There are two morals here:

1. You must strive to make art out of life’s slings and arrows.
2. Don’t be a cunt if you work in retail.

Here is an exciting new feature: Now, you have the opportunity to Shop My Closet, simply by clicking on the link underneath “About” on the right.

I’m tired of stockpiling things I’ll never wear, but I need money to replace those things with more things. I’ll never wear those things either, but that’s not your problem.

I will update the page at least once a week. Paypal or personal checks, it’s all good.

I love stuff like this! I got the link from Susan, who knows everything worth knowing.

Go and have fun at ImageChef! It’s stupid, harmless entertainment and something to do when you’re trying desperately to give up online shopping…..