Godammit, I’m Mad!

I came across this ad in Marie Claire a few days ago, and couldn’t believe it wasn’t a joke. “Masque” is a new product for women who would enjoy performing oral sex if only it tasted like chocolate or watermelon.

I think it’s a little strip that dissolves in your mouth like a breath-freshener thingie. The only time I tried one of those mouthwash strips,  I nearly choked to death, trying to spit it out.

Anyway, the ad’s tagline is beyond sickening: “Expect flowers tomorrow” it promises suggestively, showing a happy couple who have evidently managed the tricky completion of oral sex. Their expressions are ridiculous, much like the product itself.

Who are these fucking people who need to “Masque” the taste of sex and then expect flowers?!?

Ladies, if your man pulled out a “Masque” strip before doing his job, wouldn’t you just snarl, “Don’t bother?”  I guess men are supposed to be so desperate that they’d send flowers.

This ad and the mentality it reflects is pathetic and gross and makes me want to kill everyone involved.

Thoughts?

I have always hated Dr. Phil, even without seeing his show. It’s just unconscious knowledge that he is a jerk.

This week, everyone on TV is talking about him because of his interview with Casey Anthony’s parents.  He’s been pimping his show with the Anthonys everywhere. And in one discussion, he agreed that the Anthonys had “a menagerie of excuses” for their daughter’s conduct.

ENGLISH,  MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?

Menagerie is a collection of animals, you fucking idiot Dr. Phil! You can find some online dictionaries that say you can also use it to mean a diverse group of things, BUT YOU CAN”T BECAUSE IT MEANS ANIMALS.

Words matter, remember?

Have you heard anyone misuse a word recently but you couldn’t kill them? Feel free to share your pain.

Oh god, what a fucking travesty. I’ll try to break it down for you.

A large group of untalented people “sang” awful songs for an enthusiastic audience of vacuous industry types.

Lady Gaga pretended to be The Fonz and wouldn’t stop. She made you long for the meat dress. Britney Spears won an Achievement Award and thanked her little boys. Kanye and Jay-Z butchered an Otis Redding song by rapping over it, and Justin Bieber thanked both god AND Jesus.  Is Justin confused, or am I? Isn’t Jesus their Lord or what?

Adele offered a moment of true artistry and elegance. She was totally out of place.

Chris Brown danced around in a white suit and then flew around in one of those harness things. He was no Pink, let me tell you. At least he didn’t punch anyone in the face, or not during the show, to my knowledge.

Beyonce performed an uninspired pop song, her hair blowing in a wind machine, and revealed her pregnancy by patting her small tummy.

Katy Perry won an award that belonged to Adele.  Some guy called Something the Creator won an award, and a guy called Pitbull presented a mystery as to his ethnicity and popularity.

Russell Brand introduced a tribute to Amy Winehouse, striking a sour note by calling her an addict and an alcoholic. What a fucking cunt™. I can’t hate him enough. He made things worse by asserting pompously: “There IS a solution.” No, you cunt, there is no solution to addiction except to not start doing drugs in the first place.  Rest in peace my darling Amy, Max, and everyone else who could not be helped by 12 steps or 12,000 steps.

Tony Bennett was poignantly humble in his admiration for Amy’s genius. and played part of the video he made with her.

Bruno Mars horrified me by singing “Valerie,” but in the end he made me cry by singing directly to Amy. God bless him with his retro pompadour and his great horn section!

Lil’ Wayne came out and rapped about how angry he was. Every third word was bleeped out but one “Fucking” escaped in the last verse, in which I think he compared himself to John Lennon. He took his shirt off and ran around like a crazed monkey. I’m sure he’s a very nice person in real life.

That’s all I remember. Let me know if I missed anything important.

“Filming began Tuesday on “Oz: The Great and Powerful,” the star-studded new-spin prequel to “The Wizard of Oz,” in Michigan, Disney announced. James Franco takes the lead as the young pre-Wizard, a magician who finds himself cast off into Oz. There he meets a sparkling group of sister witches — both good and bad — in Rachel Weisz as Evanora, Michelle Williams as Glinda and Mila Kunis as Theodora, and alongside his assistant, played by Zach Braff, he finds himself further and further immersed into the magical land.”

Fuckers!!!!

Intensify your disgust by reading the studio press release.

Sarah Palin gets her hair fixed during a visit to a cholera treatment centre in Haiti. Photograph: Dieu Nalio Chery/AP

Palin emerged from one of the refugee camps housing the hundreds of thousands of Haitians who are still without homes after the earthquake, and said: “They are so full of joy. We are so fortunate in America and we are responsible for helping those less fortunate.”

Palin arrived at the invitation of Franklin Graham, a leading evangelical preacher whose organization, Samaritan’s Purse,  has been accused during other humanitarian crises of putting its evangelical mission ahead of more tangible assistance to those in need.

Oh god, don’t make me go on. You get the drift. Is there no move too cynical or shameless for this bitch? After watching her snuff film, I mean her Reality TV series, where she kills a caribou “for food” even though she lives 4 miles from a Walmart, and where she forces Bristol to club a fish to death, I thought we had hit some kind of bottom.

But as they say, beneath every rock bottom, there’s a trap door. I can’t wait till she runs for president. It will be like one big party on the Titanic.

This week, Sea posed in an ugly sweter and blamed it on Mom. I sense a rift between them, an overdue separation of their creepy merged identities. They no longer link to each other’s blog and they’re making subtle digs at each other.  I am hoping for a titanic war with no holds barred. Don’t they owe us that?!

Meanwhile, Sea declared herself a tragic know-nothing would-be hipster by foolishly writing a post about “Bad Art.” She doesn’t know the difference between kitsch, outsider art and folk art. All she knows is that stuff that looks crude is cool to like. Like, omg, Bad Art! It’s so funny! My own definition of bad art would be that crap in Sea’s living room.

Sea won’t publish your comments, you worthless proles, but you can leave them here. I will go first:

Dear Sea, Please don’t write about things that are way over your head! Stick to Miu Mui clogs! Go find out about Reverend Howard Finster, Adolf Wolfli, Renaldo Kuhler, and then read Jim Shaw’s mission statement in his book on Thrift Store Art.  What will it take to make you feel ashamed? This is a real question. Love, SW

Any stupid lunatic out there who thinks they can mess me up, knock yourself out. I will say whatever I want about whoever I want. I am exactly who I say I am. I have nothing to hide. I don’t ask for special courtesy because of my loss. But if you go out of your way to fuck with me, I will express my annoyance.

The rest of you, I couldn’t love you more.  xo

Nothing helps to soothe the pain like a picture of Sea’s big fat face.

The vulgar coat, the stupid Louis Vuitton bag, the painful shoes and the gratuitous Gaysian and midget are just icing on the cake.

I hate you, you stupid moon-faced bitch. But it’s good to feel some healthy rage instead of the kind that makes you want to kill every single person who might have said the exact word at the exact time to persuade Max that life was worth living. The bad rage is driving me mad.

I’d like to tell that stupid bitch and her stupid mom to shut their stupid fucking mouths and wallets but if it weren’t for them tonight I’d be stuck in an endless loop of questions that will never be answered.

When I get the strength and pull myself together, I plan to begin a thorough, groundbreaking analysis of what makes Alec Baldwin so despicable. Prepare to be grilled on this topic.