Godammit, I’m Mad!

I know it’s not very interesting to hate Gwyneth, but how can one ignore her this week? It’s like she WILL NOT REST until every single person on earth detests her. Is her work done yet? If not, we’re getting very, very close.

Today’s revelation (for me, anyway) is that she advises women in troubled relationships to stop fighting and give their man a blowjob instead. Really, Einstein? You think that might work?

What a fucking imbecile. I love the pictures of her feigned embarrassment even more than I love that awful see-through dress she wore recently. But not as much as I love the time she tweeted something like “niggas all in Paris!” to indicate her down-ness.

There is so much to love, i.e. hate, that it’s almost redundant, like denouncing Hitler. Wait. Am I comparing Gwyneth to Hitler?! Sure, see Godwin’s Law. But if you need to catch the latest Iron Man movie and your revulsion for Gwyneth is getting in the way,  here’s a guide to putting things in perspective.

I don’t need to see Iron Man, so I’m good.

If you believe you were at the forefront of the anti- Gwyneth movement, let’s hear about it! (If you don’t hate Gwyneth, you shouldn’t be here at all, just leave quietly.)

Oh, snap! After insisting that his obsession with Ayn Rand is an “urban legend,” a tape has surfaced in which Ryan gushes about Ayn Rand’s philosophy:

“It’s inspired me so much that it’s required reading in my office for all my interns and my staff. We start with Atlas Shrugged.”

What an asshole. Ayn Rand? What is he, sixteen?

And then to lie about it when he’s on record, again and again, of revering her! He had to denounce Ayn Rand because Catholics don’t like her atheism. Look for Ryan to become more rabidly Catholic as the Republican convention draws near.

Anyone who makes his interns read Atlas Shrugged is not only a moron but a fucking heartless cunt.

I’m excited about (i.e. dreading) tonight’s debate among the Republican presidential candidates.   For those of you who plan to watch, what’s the drinking word??

“Today marks the official launch of  TheFix.com, a new content site aimed at recovering drug and alcohol users.”

I read that and imagined a nice scholarly-looking website filled with information and resources, like the sites about autism or migraines. Instead, it’s a garish tabloid-like bonanza of stupid features like “Worst Celebrity Meltdown” and “Hollywood’s Best Addict Performances.”

Courtney Love is one of the experts on hand to give advice, and there are articles on finding the perfect AA meeting and dating a crackhead.   There is even a BIG  photo of a syringe in an arm, to illustrate a story about vaccines. Are they insane? The whole thing looks like a great parody except for its breathtaking witlessness.

Please have a look and get back to me. Tell me your theory on how they got the seed money for this venture and what kind of advertisers will want to get in on this.

Meanwhile, they invite submissions and story ideas! I  could  never be part of such a shabby enterprise, especially knowing what I do about the horrors of drug addiction. But wouldn’t it be fun to propose some idiotic stories just to see if they bite? How about “Funniest excuse for for a relapse” or “How to flirt with an ER doctor?”

Fuckers.

“I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism.”

Jesus. Ugh.

“Exclusive tribute tee to Alexander McQueen; crew neck tee reading “Fashion Is Suicide” on front and “Fashion Is Not Suicide, R.I.P. A. McQueen” on back; 100% cotton.”

By Dimepiece Designs.   $42 at Karmaloop

Thanks to Iron Chic for calling my attention to this ridiculous cover story in Life & Style Weekly, my illustrious former employer. While the magazine is known for its fair and balanced, ahem, reporting, this story about Brad and Angie‘s kid is shameful drivel of the first order.

First of all, I love Shiloh.   In her first published photo, she looks just like Tweety Pie, and I love Tweety Pie. I also love babies (unless they’re the really fat ones with the big bald Aryan looking heads.) Shiloh is just the epitome of cuteness. I love everything about her. I’m practically lactating just thinking about her!

I can see that she has a short haircut, but I’m not sure this makes her a lesbian or a man trapped in a woman’s body. I think Brad and Angie should sue the shit out of Life & Style for casting aspersions upon this innocent child and for fostering stupid stereotypes about gender behavior. GLAAD is pissed off by this story, and rightly so.

If you’ve ever been around little kids, you know they love to play dress up. Little boys are especially attracted to feather boas and high heels. They are trying out identities and their freedom to do this without being subject to criticism and shame is already pretty limited.   I’m glad to hear that Shiloh wants to be a pirate, but I’m aware that every word I read in the gossip magazines is a lie, including “and” and “the.”

Fuckers! I’m here for you, Shiloh. I like to wear boys’ clothes, too.

Just look what happens when you take away Mrs. Palin’s trademark big hair! It’s like Samson after Delilah got through with him!

A genius over here altered some pictures of Mrs. P by removing the long hair (along with the glasses and trashy earrings.) Voila, she is instantly disempowered.

Without going into my Nobel Prize Exegesis on the subliminal sources of Mrs. Palin’s magnetism (because I haven’t written it yet) I will just say that without these totems, she loses the medley of conflicting archetypes that serve to resonate with both her fans and detractors.

With the Big Hair and other accoutrement’s, she is simultaneously a Vixen, Church Lady, Librarian, Dominatrix, Stripper and Mommy. Take that shit away and   what do you have?

(I know Mr. Duff will have a good answer.)

Mrs. Palin is calling for Obama to fire his chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, for calling a group of liberals “fucking retarded” during a private meeting.

How dare that big Jew use this hateful slur in a private meeting?!?

In a sanctimonious rant on her Facebook page, entitled “Are You Capable of Decency, Rahm Emanuel?”, Mrs. P compares his use of the word retarded to the use of “the N word.” She goes on to say: “Rahm’s slur on all God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities — and the people who love them — is unacceptable, and it’s heartbreaking.”

Jesus, this woman is a piece of work. She is beneath shameless. Is there a word for that (besides “cunt?”) She even asks in her idiotic Facebook screed, “Have you no sense of decency, sir?”   I know that she employs a ghostwriter for her Facebook communiques, but what do you think the chance is that Mrs. Palin knows who made that phrase famous, and in what context?   If she did know, would she be stupid enough to compare Rahm Emanuel to Joseph McCarthy?

I don’t like the way Mrs. P has positioned herself as the public defender of the disabled. Just because she happened to get herself a Down Syndrome baby, she doesn’t get to represent Down Syndrome. Her exploitation of her child’s disability is deeply immoral. This photo of her, posing with a “constituent,” is what’s heartbreaking.

Sometimes, in private, we use words that others might find offensive. I know I like to scream “you fat pig” at people on TV, for example.   The first time I heard Bob Woodward on television, I asked my husband, “Is that guy retarded?” It was a real question: Woodward speaks very slowly. Every time he’s on TV now, my kid or my husband calls out, “There’s that retarded guy.”

Big fucking deal. I am a special needs mom, and I know where my heart is. I don’t need some self-appointed Queen of the Disabled Community to scold me or Rahm Emanuel.

Does that retarded bitch have no decency?

As McCain aid Steve Schmidt revealed on 60 Minutes, Mrs. Palin struggled to get Senator Biden’s name right, so she was advised to just call him Joe. Watch her screw up and call him “O’Biden” during this clip from their debate.

Haha Sarah, you ignorant slut! Never change; you are perfect just the way you are.