If you’re an active member of PAP Smear, you already know about the newest evidence concerning Trig-gate. If not, you can check it out here and here.

The original Trig has a deformed ear. The current Trig does not. Nobody is saying where Mrs. P procured those Trigs, or even how many Trigs there might be. Nobody has yet seen a copy of any birth certificate.

Real Americans want Real Trigs, goddammit!

* cartoon from here.

I’ve always loved literary feuds, and now there’s a new one, between Andrew Sullivan and Leon Wieseltier.  Because the two men were once very close friends, their rift seems especially bitter.

I love Andrew Sullivan  because he was a vocal detractor of Mrs. Palin from the very beginning. He is also a Trig Truther, and has taken a lot of shit for it.  Leon Wieseltier, his former mentor, has accused him of being anti-Semitic.

I hope their feud goes on for a while longer, but I hope they make up in the end.  If their feud is too dry and political for you, you might like the Fax Feud between Camille Paglia and Julie Burchill, which degenerates quickly into hilarious name calling. It’s probably my all-time favorite.

Luckily, some literary feuds have been preserved on YouTube, like this one between William Buckley and Gore Vidal, where Buckley flips out and calls Vidal a “queer.”

Years ago, I enjoyed starting feuds in newsgroups, posting under the name “Latasha’P.” They area still search-able via Google groups. I managed to turn the men against the women by constantly referring to My Period. Ah, those were the days.

I’m glad that Feuding hasn’t become a lost art. A good feud is so bracing! I’ve noticed that no matter how provoking or obnoxious Sister Wolf is, no worthwhile feuds have developed. They are not for the timid, I guess. Or maybe  it’s because  everyone knows that deep down, I’m the nicest person on earth!

Mrs. Palin’s tour bus arrives at Grand Rapids, MI, for her first book-signing appearance. Enlarge the picture to enjoy its full impact.

Finish this sentence:

“I’m carrying Trig because ——————————————.”

Again, I am offering the Dead Sweater to the winner. It is size small. (Honeypants won it in the Guess Which Shopbop Girl contest, but since she is busty, she gets some fabulous vintage jewelry from the Sister Wolf’s Hoarded Fashion Collection™ )

This is the prize:

As we all know, Mrs. Palin is not really Trig’s mother, but now the word is that even Bristol isn’t his real mom!

Trig Truthers are going berserk, in the wake of Levi’s public statement that Trig isn’t Bristol’s baby. One of the foremost anti-Palin blogs, The Immoral Majority, states that the secret of Trig’s birth is EVEN WEIRDER! If you read the comment thread there, you will discover several wonderful conspiracy theories regarding Trig’s parentage, including the following:

1. Trig is the result of an affair between Levi’s mother Sherry and Todd Palin. Ooooooh! If only!
2. Trig is the result of an affair between Sherry and Track Palin, who was subsequently hustled off into the army.
3. Trig is the child of some unwed mother who was acquired by Mrs. Palin in anticipation of the VP campaign.

There are plenty of other convoluted stories, many of which include the notion that Bristol was indeed pregnant but had an abortion on a trip to New York with Mrs. P. Bristol’s mysterious absence from school and her bulging belly (in dated photos) help to lend credence to this part of the story. Beyond that, the possibilities are endless.

Andrew Sullivan has been a stubborn Trig Truther since the beginning, and now he’s back on board, pointing out the discrepancies in Mrs. P’s latest version of how she learned of Trig’s Down Syndrome.  The right wing will mock him again, but it’s great to see he’s still on the case.

All I know for sure is that the story of Mrs. Palin’s wacky secret pregnancy is another one of her stupid self-serving lies, and if that bitch is Trig’s mother, I’m the Queen of Sheba.

After initially dismissing the HBO vampire series “True Blood” as cartoonish, I am now completely hooked. The most recent episode was truly disgusting, wasn’t it?! Watching Tara and Eggs eat the you-know-what (not a spoiler!!) I was close to gagging.

What a great show! All the hunky gayness and intensity of Six Feet Under without the painful insights and lingering grief.

One of the scariest aspects of True Blood is its portrait of crazy, fear-mongering Christians. The characters are over the top, yes, but no more so than the lunatics we are seeing on the news every day, warning about Obama’s “Death Panels” and killing innocent children and grandmas.

Mrs. Palin has been one of the most vocal of the right wing fear-mongers, once again exploiting that poor little Trig instead of getting him the services he needs. Her ceaseless squawking about Death Panels and euthanasia has prompted reporters to look into her own policies on health-care as Governor of Alaska. Sure enough, Mrs. Palin was in favor of providing ‘end-of-life’ counseling, the very same measure she now finds so deplorable.

Sarah, you ignorant slut, when will you learn to keep your mouth shut and stop makin’ things up?!  The video below reminds us how art imitates life in the case of True Blood’s fanatical Fellowship of the Sun.  It also reminds us to fear ignorance more than hunky vampires.

Once I saw this fantastic t-shirt, I couldn’t resist fucking around.

You can design ANYTHING at zazzle.com, even if you don’t really plan to buy or sell it.  (I can already hear a heckler going, “Don’t you have a job???”)  (No! Not at the moment.)

Here is Mrs. Palin, just days after her resignation, preparing a baby for human sacrifice.  Mrs. P is marking the spot where the giddy mother will cut the heart out for the Unholy Offering.

Oh fine.  Maybe I’m just hallucinating. Maybe it’s perfectly normal to autograph a baby while its head hangs upside down and someone digs their nails into its arm to hold it still.

But after refreshing my memory with some blogs that still hope to uncover the truth about Trig’s birth, I have to wonder if I’m the only one with this theory: Mrs. Palin was hoping to lose her baby, but despite her best efforts, he survived.

Wait! Hear me out!

Le’s say you were a bible-spouting “pro-life” Christian who was genuinely opposed to abortion under any circumstances. Then, you find yourself pregnant at 43, carrying a baby with Down Syndrome. You already have 4 kids, two who are clearly on the road to big trouble. You are pursuing a political career and it’s really taking off.

What can you do? You could hide your pregnancy, even from your children and your staff. Maybe somehow God will step in and let you have a miscarriage.

When God doesn’t jump in, you stay busy, jogging and acting like you’re not pregnant. You don’t tell your kids or your staff. Maybe you can still miscarry your unexpected and unwanted baby.

Finally, as luck would have it, your water breaks while you’re giving a speech in Texas. Great! You decide to fly back to Alaska, where someone can help you out, like your discreet private doctor. When your plane lands, shit, the baby still seems okay. So you drive to Wasilla, taking 5 more hours, still hoping to lose the baby.

In the end, your baby is born healthy, even though he is premature. What can you do except send everybody a funny letter about your very special baby, and sign it: “Trig’s Creator, Your Heavenly Father.”

“Let’s not all start sucking each other’s dicks just yet, gentleman.” ~ The Wolf,  Pulp Fiction

I know how shocked you are by Mrs. Palin’s announcement today, so I’m going to share the inside scoop.

Yes, she was tweaking on meth. Levi’s mom forgot to tell her how good this batch was, so it wasn’t Mrs. P’s fault. Nothing is ever her fault.

Yes, she asked her kids whether she should resign, and yes, there were four votes of Yes and one “Hell yeah!” Trig swears like a sailor at his young age, but it’s not Mrs. P’s fault. It’s Todd. That dude is all Motherfucker this and Motherfucker that. Naturally, Trigg likes to imitate Grandpa Todd.

Yes, Mrs. P. admitted she was “wired” differently. That’s not her fault! I personally am wired funny. I bump into things and I can’t do arithmetic. So what, I’m still a valuable citizen of this great country of ours.

Yes, she misattributed a military quote to Gen. Douglas MacArthur, but that’s not her fault. She told Piper to look it up and Piper got it wrong. It won’t happen again, believe me.

Yes,  she said that the world needs “more Trigs.” She didn’t mean that Trig should be cloned. God is against cloning! Cloning is science! What she meant was, “I plan to hide behind my developmentally disabled child whenever I need to deflect criticism.” See? It’s pro-life.

Here’s the thing. Sometimes, you have to lead by quitting. Like in basketball, Kobe Beef or whatever his name is, might ensure his team’s victory by walking off the court in the middle of the game.  That’s a sports analogy. Or if you’re fishing, you might cut bait to catch the fish.  That’s like a popular saying in Alaska, you probably don’t get it, but it totally makes sense.

It’s a bold, bold move. The fun is only just beginning.

Unexpectedly, the discussion of Triggergate has started up again, and who am I to ignore it? God bless Andrew Sullivan and others who just won’t let it go. Why should they, particularly when new photos are discovered, raising the same questions about Mrs. Palin’s strange secret pregnancy.

Also too, this journalist has compiled some pertinent information, including a link to a video interview where Mrs. P is supposed to be in the final month of her pregnancy and says, in the SAME SENTENCE, that she was able to hide the pregnancy because of her “tight abs” AND ALSO TOO that she wasn’t trying to hide it at all. It is classic Mrs. P, gibberish and lies in the same breath.

Again also too, I have questions about the photo above, showing Mrs. P at her baby shower, just 4 weeks after Trig’s birth.  May I ask, who wears a short skirt in the first month post-partum? Is it Mrs. P’s need to always call attention to her legs? Or is it……you know, the other reason.

Since it isn’t nice to focus only on the negative, and god knows I like to be nice, Mrs. P may be trying to redeem herself with her constituents in Alaska by unveiling a plan to invest an extra $5 million to support children’s health, including a proposed increase in a program for low-income children and pregnant women.

“Interestingly, last year Palin opposed an increase in the program despite the fact that the state had a large surplus because of high oil prices.”

I strongly suggest watching the video of her announcement of this initiative here, because the difference between having a billion dollars worth of make-up artists and stylists is strikingly evident. Mrs P looks like shit, in other words, and who wouldn’t with four kids and a diet of moose, in a horrible freezing climate and a private sunbed to bake one’s face?

The Botox has worn off, and also too the Restylane.

Speaking of ageism, my pesky Russian nemesis has said this about me in a comment thread at another blog:

“No, what’s sad is a 55yo bulimic woman with no profession, no wit, no smarts, no morals but burdened with delusions of grandeur (what passes for grandeur in her tiny brain). Who calls herself [alternatively] a commie, a lesbian, a negress (even put it in email address), or a Devil – while in reality she’s just a grimacing macaque. A yapping chihuahua.

shooo! ”

Why oh why the chihuahua?! I just can’t see it. Why not a Sheltie or Labrador?!

In any case, please refrain from going to her “Salon”, as the increase in traffic makes her gloat. Nyet on the gloating, since the goal is to spoil her fun, if not something a little more, ahem, diabolical.

I am happy to announce PAP Smear’s new adoption program. We will start off with Mark’s generous offer to adopt WIllow and Piper Palin. This is a true blessing for these girls, who will be raised in Connecticut by two loving, educated fathers who will provide them with the New York Times, trips to museums and foreign movies, and an opportunity to attend a nice private college.

Cker will be adopting Trig, and not a moment too soon. She will rid him of the cruel name and begin early intervention so that he learns to walk instead of facing a life of being passed around family members like a gravy boat. I know he will flourish with Cker and her family!

I personally have adopted annemarie, since she was so obviously born to the wrong mother (i.e. not me.)  If Track survives the secret CIA plot on his life and agrees to six months in rehab, I think he will make a nice adoptee for someone with patience and a firm hand.

Moving on to other issues, I’m sure you’re all as enraged as I am about Prop. 8 in California, which forbids gay couples the right to marry. I’ve just watched some morons yelling about it on TV. The Christian homophobes who defend this attempt to curtail civil rights have no logical or legitimate argument other than this: Marriage is already a shaky institution.

So what?! Maybe if gay couples start marrying, marriage will be more popular. Maybe there will be less divorce, since many gay couples have had the time to think long and hard about taking those vows seriously.

Gay marriage doesn’t threaten marriage as an institution but rather increases its ongoing relevance as a way to live, and a way to commit to loving relationships. The only reason to take offense is if one feels personally threatened by gayness, in which case that’s a problem for a psychologist to help with.

Let’s let everyone do what they want in their private life. If you absolutely insist on invoking the bible, start with: Love thy neighbor as yourself. Of course, this doesn’t work with my particular neighbors, but you know what it means.

If you wish to apply for an adoption, please submit your application here. Same-sex couples welcome.