Godammit, I’m Mad!

Why do you have to wear Spanx when you’re pregnant? Isn’t this a time to relax and celebrate your changing body? Since everyone can see you’re pregnant, why do they need you to have a compressed ass and thighs?

I hate Spanx although I realize they are a staple of most women’s undergarments. I once tried on a pair of black spanx in my size but it was like trying to stuff an elephant into a tight spandex sandwich bag. I barely got it over my knees. I didn’t want to fight with it. I wanted it to go live at my sister’s house where it could torture her instead.

I’m not against Shapewear per se but Spanx, never. To impose Spanx on a pregnant woman is to undermine her joy in carrying a child. It’s an abomination. A nice pair of stretchy black underpants is all you need at this glorious time.

Men, do you like to undress a woman and find she is wearing Spanx? Is it too late for a new wave of post-feminists to rally to burn their Spanx?

It’s always nice to get new underpants. I can’t stand the word ‘panties,’ which always evokes, for me, Letters to Penthouse. When the word ‘panties’ is preceded by the word ’sans,’ I get goosebumps, in a bad way.

Underpants can be exquisite, or they can be those other ones that you shove to the back of the drawer for when you have your period. If you’re reading this and you’re a man, Sorry, I forgot to warn you. Period Underpants are truly awful and really ought to be thrown away. Just wear black ones, okay?

Anyway, imagine my shock to see a beautiful pair of underpants by Kiki de Montparnasse that cost $450! No underpants could possibly be more fabulous but imagine paying that much money! Danielle Steele could afford them but she’s probably too busy in the shoe department. I need to know who buys them!

These underpants are also nice, but they aren’t available yet. They’re made by Wundervoll. You could wear them anywhere, right?

Now these underpants are either stupid or depressing, or perhaps both. They have a little battery pack that is operated by remote control. A saleswoman in a lingerie shop took the time to show them to me and my friend, evidently mistaking us for desperate housewives or amateur prostitutes. We didn’t buy them.