You know I can’t resist penis jewelry. Here are two new penis options from Vivienne Westwood.  I love the cufflinks but I wish they were earrings.  $151.51  Penis key-ring below,  $118.82

If you don’t crave penises, some other new VW pieces are elaborately pretty and clearly inspired by Salvador Dali’s jewelry.

Boulevard Pearly Queen Bracelet: $277.75   Boulevard Pearly Queen Brooch, below: $150.51

Available here.

Dali’s jewelry is exquisite and eye-popping.  If you’re not familiar with it, get ready to scream “Oooooooo!” and go here to get started.

How do you like this draped tartan dress by McQ McQueen? If I could get away with it, I’d buy it immediately from my-wardrobe and never wear it.

Don’t argue with me about this cool collaboration between Anglomania and Lee Jeans. Look at that coppery coating on the light blue denim! It is exactly what I didn’t know I wanted but now I do. I want these jeans badly.

Imagine the insults I’d get from those commenters who think I’m too old, too anorexic, too hateful and too bitter! If I had $265 to blow on more jeans, this pair would be on its way right now. And I’d fucking rock them as well as just wear them.

Are your feet big like mine? Are they a US 10 or IT 40? If so, you can buy these awesome Illex Kinni shoes RIGHT NOW for $230, saving yourself $20 from the retail price.

Or! You can buy these fabulous Vivienne Westwood boots, same size, for only $250 plus shipping!

Both of these are UNWORN, waiting in their boxes under my bed for someone who can walk in heels.

Yes, yes, I am a cunt who once bought acquired shoes and lots of other pricey stuff in the mistaken belief that they would make me happy, lovable, and shielded from life’s essential and meaningless horror. Okay?

Now I’m a cunt who needs to try to pay bills.

Contact me at sisterwolf666@gmail.com if you’re interested.  If you’re not, PLEASE don’t tell me why in a comment, unless you want me to kill you or you happen to be Wendy Brandes.  Thanks! xoxo

I haven’t been able to work since August, and now there is a pile of unpaid bills. This is not a “boo hoo, poor me” thing, it’s just a fact.  As you know, I was formerly a highly paid tabloid journalist. Now I am screwed.

So! Here is the big push to raise funds.  You can buy a fanatastic piece of Sister Wolf’s Hoarded Fashion Collection™ while at the same time aiding in a humanitarian effort. It’s like painting a chair for the Dying Children, ONLY BETTER.

Above and below is a beautiful Chanel handbag from Neiman Marcus in immaculate condition. Never worn, hoarded for no good reason.

All the usual shit included: bag, box, authenticity papers. Click on the photo to enlarge it.

Below, Chanel laquer bangle with rhinestones. It’s a wavy shape, rather than a plain circle. Perfect for any occasion, bla bla bla.

Next, and this breaks my heart, is a leather purse by the amazing Natalia Brilli. Softest leather with sculptured hand thingy. Big enough for lipstick and a credit card. Wonderful in every way.

If you wear a US 10 or a Euro 40, these Vivienne Westwood boots are both collectible and wearable if you can walk in heels. They have been in their original box under my bed since I bought them from Coggles.com.

Made in Italy, real leather, hidden platform, fierce, to die for, etc etc.

Remember my Vivienne Westwood horns-tiara? Want to own it? Just say the word.

And remember this Sharon Wauchob coat from Sharon Osbourne’s private sale? Size 4, never worn, duh, only hoarded. Heavy black cotton with lots of weird designer details.

Okay, so.  If you’re interested in any of these things from the Sister Wolf’s Hoarded Fashion Collection™ , let me know. The bag = $600,  bangle = $150,  little purse = $125 SOLD,  boots = $450, coat = $80. SOLD

DO NOT LEAVE COMMENTS unless you want me to kill you.  “Nice stuff, I wish I had the money” would just embitter me further about my situation. Contact me at sisterwolf666@gmail.com or via my other email.

* Notice my walker in the first photo? I could have cropped it but no, that’s how awesome I am.

How timely! Here, you can watch Viv urge people to make clothes out of tablecloths if they find a nice one. How lovely to hear the ultimate arbiter of great style chime in on our tablecloth plans for fall/winter!  It’s always good to know Vivienne Westwood approves, isn’t it?

Also, note the deep red lipstick. Beautiful! Try NARS Velvet-Matte lip pencil in Dragon Girl or Cruella. If you have any red lipstick suggestions, please share with the class.

When Cathy Horyn wrote a piece in the NYT called “Irony and the Old Lady” she was complaining about women who seem to deliberately wear silly clothes after the age of 50. The complaint was picked up in The Cut, which posed the question “Can Women Over 50 Pull Off Ironic Fashion?”

I think the real question should be: Why don’t these writers know what irony is?  Is everybody Alanis Morissette all of a sudden?

Ms. Horyn seems to mean over-the-top when she alludes to ironic fashion. She cites Anna Piaggi, who is way, way over the top. But is Piaggi being ironic? She is, if she finds her own look ridiculous and isn’t letting on. But if she dresses to please herself and to make the statement that More is More, that’s not being ironic!

Then, Ms. Horyn considers socks-with-heels, and vintage straw hats. She doesn’t like them, but why does she find them ironic? Maybe she thinks ironic means, stuff she doesn’t like.

The examples of older women dressing ironically in The Cut include Cher, who just has bad taste, and Diane Keaton, whose style is extremely eccentric. Where’s the irony?! Then the author gives us Vivienne Westwood, who looks glamorous and punky as always, and decides, Yes! She can pull it off.  Again, Vivienne has a distinctive style, but where’s the irony?

A long time ago, I thought it was funny to wear t shirts advertising bands I hated. Then one day I explained to my husband that I was wearing some hideous floral printed jeans because a friend gave them to me and they were SO OBVIOUSLY something I would never wear. Haha, get it? Neither did my husband. He pointed out that I was simply having a joke with myself that no one else  was in on. Oops! I was being too ironic for my own good, at that point.

Last night I watched Ghost World for the millionth time, and even though I’ve come to accept the ending as inevitable instead of heart-breaking, I was struck anew by how much I identify with Enid. Still.

Enid’s outfits are all ironic. Each item looks carefully picked for its irony factor. She works hard at it, too. Remember when she goes to the trouble of dying her hair green, but nobody gets her ironic reference to “original 1977 punk” fashion?  Poor Enid.  “Everybody’s stupid!” is her stance toward the world, especially when they don’t appreciate her studied irony.

If what you’re wearing says “You probably think I mean this but I don’t!” then you are being ironic.  If you just look like you don’t know how awful you look (Betsey Johnson, Cher, Madonna at the Met) then you are a victim of bad judgment. Period, godammit.

For an essay on the meaning of irony, go here.

Alright, who’s gonna buy me this new penis necklace by Vivienne Westwood?

It’s a silver satyr riding a tiger’s eye penis…and a nice one at that!  Mothers’ Day, anyone?

*

Somehow over time, I have managed to sign up for updates at fifty thousand shopping sites. It takes me hours to sift through this shit daily, but I don’t have the will power to un-register from any of these lists.

Today I looked at Ron Herman, a swanky hipster boutique in Los Angeles that carries all the usual designer jeans, ugly terrorist scarves and  cropped leather jackets. Ugh. I scrolled down dutifully and saw this new ring by Vivienne Westwood. $875, and kind of nothing looking.

But I said to my self, Self, I bet that ring is much cheaper in the UK. I went over here to Hervia.com and Bingo! $328, using the currency converter!

How much would you want to kill yourself if you’d bought this ring at Ron Herman?!

I am the savviest shopper you’ll ever meet. When I watch Dexter (a GREAT series on Showtime,) I find my self thinking, Oh look, she’s wearing a James Perse shirt that costs $145 unless you find one of those online coupons. I think about this really quickly but often end up having to ask my husband what just happened. He stops the show using our magic Tivo-like thingy, and angrily explains what’s going on.

Anyway, I am full of shopping knowledge that is mostly useless but occasionally comes in handy. I have a personal relationship with every one of the Shopbop models, and I know where you can get those ugly Rats by Sass and Bide in a new PVC-look fabric.

If only I can stick with my new conviction that ordering shit online will never, ever lead to fulfillment. I have a shoe store under my bed to prove it, and stacks of jeans that I barely recognize. We’ll see if I’m capable of learning anything.

If you didn’t listen to my latest radio appearance, then you won’t know that I ended up talking about the Mexican celebration known as Day of the Dead. Here is a beautiful photo of me and my niece with a Blue Demon Guy, who gave me a piece of candy.

* Stay tuned for the Crazy Mother Club, coming soon.

Long ago, in a galaxy known as Coggles.com, I was dazzled by a Vivienne Westwood tiara with little diamante devil horns. It was a replica of the one Viv wore to meet the Queen of England. It was way out of my price range, but I was brokenhearted when it disappeared from the website.

Now that I’ve decided to renounce internet shopping, I have come upon this tiara again.

Fuck. Is it a test of my character, by god or the devil? Is it a cosmic joke on me? Or is it simply a fucking bummer?

I want these devil horns. I need them. I could wear them with everything, or nothing. They were obviously meant just for me. They cost around $450.

I know in the rational part of my brain that they won’t bring happiness. They will just add to the crap-heap of my life, the tons of hoarded belongings that could have fed most of Sub-Saharan Africa if their cost was added up.

But the primitive credit-card wielding part of my brain that reacts wildly to sparkly things is going “Oooh, it’s too beautiful to pass up!”

Can anyone help put me out of my misery? I need to be convinced not to make this purchase. Or maybe the opposite.

*Don’t worry, PAP Smear members.  We wil reconvene tomorrow night. It’s getting uglier by the minute.

God bless a woman who doesn’t want Botox and speaks her mind. This is how to be 67, if you’re as cool as Vivienne Westwood. Of course, none of us are, but here’s what she says about Sex And The City:

“I thought Sex And The City was supposed to be about cutting-edge fashion and there was nothing remotely memorable or interesting about what I saw.

“I went to the premiere and left after ten minutes.”